(Lesbian) Perfection Not Required

I recently found this article in my Google Reader and it really hit home.  At first I thought it was about having a baby later in life since its titled "Don't Wait Too Long" but really- it examines why we don't need to be perfect before we begin TTC.

Reading this was very enlightening because I often feel as though I need to meet certain standards before we can start attempting to have a kid; as if I don't deserve a family unless the stars have perfectly aligned. When I envision our TTC journey, I always imagine being married and having the perfect job, perfect house, perfect car, perfect insurance coverage, etc etc. I suppose I always figured everything else would need to be "in order" beforehand, or else I'd be a bad parent.

Interestingly enough, this morning as I was reading my newly purchased (on half.com for $0.88. Score.) copy of The Essential Guide to Lesbian Conception, Pregnancy, and Birth- I noticed that the author delves right into this topic, elaborating on how it specifically applies to the lesbian community:
"Due to cultural homophobia, internalized homophobia, and the lack of easy access to sperm, women without male partners have to claim their right and renew their commitment to have children at each step toward getting pregnant...Often lesbians feel they must be perfect before they parent, not only to provide the best for their children, but also to prove to everyone who may wonder whether lesbians...can be excellent mothers. This self-expectation of being 200% perfect can reveal itself in various forms."

I've dealt with my share of internalized homophobia and am pretty aware of how it affects my life overall. I also know it plays a role in the whole TTC process, but I figured it was just because of how much it complicates the actual process of having babies and the ensuing legal crap. I suppose I really hadn't considered how much said homophobia has influenced my idea of what it means to be "ready" to start a family. But after reading both the aforementioned article and book, I'm beginning to understand that I might be setting the bar a little too high. I realized that I truly do have this underlying need to prove that just because I'm a lesbian and don't have a husband to give sperm whenever I want it, that doesn't mean I am any less deserving or capable of having children and being a good parent.

Now that I am equipped with this new knowledge, I already feel less pressure and anxiety about starting a family. Perhaps I don't need to be perfect afterall.

Reflection: Article on Gestational Environments

Yesterday morning I received my weekly T.IME magazine and right on the cover is a (beautiful) picture of a very naked, very pregnant woman. Naturally, I was intrigued and immediately flipped to the story. Its a pretty good article centered around the field of fetal origins- which asserts that the first nine months of gestation and the conditions we experience in-utero contribute to the most consequential period in our lives. Basically the whole idea is that everything the mother encounters while pregnant (the air she breathes, what she eats/drinks, the chemicals she's exposed to, her emotions) sends information (which they refer to as "bio.logical postcards") from the world outside the womb- letting the fetus prepare for what is to come once they are born.

Overall, this is not shocking news.  And if I know my readers at all, I know most (if not ALL) of you have done tons of research on how to provide the best fetal environment possible. But unfortunately, I think that is the exception rather than the rule as far as expectant mothers are concerned. I bet we all know some straight women who "accidentally" got pregnant, right? How many of those women do you honestly think were already taking pre-natal vitamins, altering their nutritional intake, exercising, and limiting/ceasing exposure to things like smoking, drinking, etc? Yeah, probably not many. Just saying.

The article focuses on the big health issues- cancer, heart disease, obesity, diabetes, and mental illness (specifically schizophrenia and depression). What I found interesting was how pre-natal behaviors can affect fetal genetics. We all know we're genetically predisposed to certain things that "run in the family" and for the most part, we accept that as our doomed fate. What this article proposes, however, is that "fate" may not be as final as we thought. Their research suggests that by altering the fetal environment (through a process known as epi.genetic modification), women can influence their babies genetics.  Pretty intriguing information for those of us who get half our kids DNA from a donor, eh?

For example, obese women who got pregnant post-weight loss surgery gave birth to children that had faster metabolisms than their siblings conceived pre-surgery, when their mothers were still obese. This goes beyond your basic nature/nurture school of thought and suggest that the intrauterine environment is a "third pathway" by which we are shaped. There was a similar study done on the Pima Indians (who experience a grossly disproportionate incidence of diabetes among their population) in which scientists recognize that by severely controlling the mother's sugar levels during pregnancy, they could greatly reduce the risk of passing along the disease to their children. Additionally, there were two studies done which linked starvation and high-stress levels during pregnancy to the development of schizophrenia and depression.

The article goes on to say that if given this information, women may be more likely to take pre-natal behavior seriously because they wouldn't feel so helpless to genetics. I agree with that as much as I don't. I think education is always a powerful factor in creating change, but I also think women tend to be egocentric and self-entitled when they're pregnant, believing that their own comfort level and autonomy should take precedence over how their behavior affects a developing fetus.

For me, however, I will do anything and everything possible to ensure that my future child is given the best start to life. I don't want to spend all nine months (and the time spent ttc) worrying about every little thing I encounter, but I do believe there are many basic, important changes a woman can make to create a safe and healthy fetal environment. For someone with DNA riddled with heart disease, diabetes, & mental illness, and a partner who's adopted and thus unaware of their hereditary, I am thrilled to learn that my child is not helpless to these diseases just because of their genes.


(source: Oct 4, 2010 T.IME Magazine)