Stuck

So I've been kinda ranting about feeling lonely...and how, exactly, does this relate to a pre-TTC blog?

Well, if I can't figure out the next step, how will I ever get to three steps away and have children? As much as I'd love to just jump into it and start having babies immediately, it would be completely irresponsible and selfish to do that before I have a career again. Sure, Pru makes good money now, but I don't want to be dependent upon her income forever. I've supported myself since I was 17 years old and the idea of being dependent on someone else is infuriating. And beyond that- I need my own thing...my own sense of contribution. I know being a parent in itself will be rewarding, but I also think utilizing your family as the sole source of validation can be tricky. My own Mother was a stay-at-home (and still is, due to recent events) and as great as that was for the sake of raising us, I often felt like the boundaries were blurred and she relied on us too much for her sense of self. I think she lived vicariously through us because she didn't have enough of her own life to focus on. We essentially were her life. I don't want that for myself, Pru, or my future children.

I know I don't need to be "perfect" before having kids, but I also have a standard for myself that I consider a reasonable launching point to begin a family. And until I figure out what to do next, I feel like I won't be able to get any closer to that point, which is extremely frustrating. It essentially makes me feel like I am completely stuck at this strange mid-career-change purgatory. I know it won't last forever, but for now- I think I just need to acknowledge where I'm at and write it all down so I can gain some perspective and maybe that will help me decide where to go from here.