So I've been kinda ranting about feeling lonely...and how, exactly, does this relate to a pre-TTC blog?
Well, if I can't figure out the next step, how will I ever get to three steps away and have children? As much as I'd love to just jump into it and start having babies immediately, it would be completely irresponsible and selfish to do that before I have a career again. Sure, Pru makes good money now, but I don't want to be dependent upon her income forever. I've supported myself since I was 17 years old and the idea of being dependent on someone else is infuriating. And beyond that- I need my own thing...my own sense of contribution. I know being a parent in itself will be rewarding, but I also think utilizing your family as the sole source of validation can be tricky. My own Mother was a stay-at-home (and still is, due to recent events) and as great as that was for the sake of raising us, I often felt like the boundaries were blurred and she relied on us too much for her sense of self. I think she lived vicariously through us because she didn't have enough of her own life to focus on. We essentially were her life. I don't want that for myself, Pru, or my future children.
I know I don't need to be "perfect" before having kids, but I also have a standard for myself that I consider a reasonable launching point to begin a family. And until I figure out what to do next, I feel like I won't be able to get any closer to that point, which is extremely frustrating. It essentially makes me feel like I am completely stuck at this strange mid-career-change purgatory. I know it won't last forever, but for now- I think I just need to acknowledge where I'm at and write it all down so I can gain some perspective and maybe that will help me decide where to go from here.
I read (and then re-read) this post and feel like I can (at least somewhat) relate to how you're feeling. Hallelujah for writing to gain perspective!! I completely agree with you on that one :)
ReplyDeleteIt's funny to me that I have a TTC blog that really isn't anything to do wtih TTC b/c we are so far (or so it seems) from actually TTC. Sometimes it feels like there are a million other pieces that need to fall into place before that baby can be on the horizon. Do you ever feel like that?
K and I have had long talks about just that: the idea that we are planning to be planning to have a baby. How long does this last for? What does it consist of? And perhaps most importantly,how do you know when the time is up and the next move is baby makin'?
We have settled, for now, on realizing that having children will be amazing, life altering and....somewhat limiting. And that is not meant to be offensive to any other mamas in blogland, not in the LEAST bit. What I mean by it is that gone will be the random day trips on whim or sudden dinner parties. Things will require more planning, more prepping...and less spontaneity. So, in an effort to pass our "planning to be planning" time, we are trying to take advnatage of the unique and wonderful situation that we are currently in(all the while ever aware of babyhood, of course)by taking our freedom by the horns and running with it. Travel? Yes, please! Sleeping in? What a great idea! Late night dinners with friends? Bring it on!
THe point of this rather wordy comment (sorry 'bout the length, Luc!) is that while the in-between-far-from-TTC time can be kind of a blackhole it also is a great time to focus on what you won't be able to have again once you're blessed to be mamas. Hopefully you guys will be able to indulge a little during this time and pamper yourselves and your relationship for who you ARE and what you will be long after your children are grown - partners. I know that may be easier said than done, but I just really feel like we (those of us not quite TTC but hopefully getting there in the not so distant future) are fortunate to have this small slice of the pie where we can focus on just the needs of our relationship and other half, as well as the love and life that goes hand in hand with those needs.
I think I have rambled long enough. Does this even make sense??? ;)
Your comment TOTALLY makes sense! And don't worry about the rambling...I love comments and long comments are even better :)
ReplyDeleteI'm actually really glad that you responded. Specifically in regards to appreciating the hear and now. Its true that I've been so focused (er, obsessed?) with whats in the future and how FAR in the future that may be, that I've forgotten to appreciate where I'm at right now.
I'm definitely going to marinate on that some more and hopefully formulate enough thought to write a post reflecting on it. Thank you!!!