November 10, 2010

" Bab.ies"

I ordered the book " Bab.ies" for a ridiculously cheap price. It came in the mail yesterday and I started browsing it immediately. This morning I was able to skim through the rest and I'm really glad I got it! I love the East-meets-West collaboration between the two authors. It makes for a pretty well-rounded perspective. It seems to strike a nice balance between too granola or too clinical. I reviewed the section that helps you identify your "type" and I am definitely "stuck." I kinda love the fact that they divide fertility into different sections because women are not the same and it personalizes the program much more than the generic approaches I often read in other books. Several sections are not at ALL like me, so its neat that I can really zero in on what could work best for me.

So far it looks great and I'm excited to plow through the rest of it :)

November 08, 2010


So I just finished watching "The B.usiness of Being B.orn" on Net.flix. Um, wow. First of all, it was more horrifying than any story I have EVER heard about a home or birthing center birth. Secondly, I cannot believe how shitty American labor and delivery truly is! Its no wonder we're all terrified of giving birth!

I feel betrayed. I feel lied to. I feel like the culture of childbirth has used fear and scare tactics to get us to buy into their crap for the sake of making a buck and maintaining a sense of power. Hospitals give the impression that they're better equipped to handle childbirth because they have medical degrees, fancy equipment, and operating rooms. But it would seem that if a woman has a low-risk, normal pregnancy- all that crap shouldn't even be necessary!

This documentary opened my eyes to the many ways in which doctors/nurses trap women into these completely ridiculous and unnecessary labors by using the phrase, "its the best for the baby." Such bullshit! Its maddening to see that when women ask for explanations, elaborations, or options, they are treated like stupid ignorant morons. As if they couldn't possibly know what is best for them, their body, or their babies. When the heck did that happen? How did we get to a place where women have no say over what happens during childbirth? Seems to me like childbirth has become something that happens TO women, instead of something we are actively participating in. Women are taught not to trust their bodies and that is awful.

I am saddened by how dis-empowering Western medicine truly is. Practitioners have zero respect for the beauty and wonder of childbirth and completely underestimate a woman's ability to naturally do what her body was MADE to do. I highly doubt they had ep.idurals, pit.ocin, forceps, vacuums, etc in the early days of humanity. Yet somehow we managed to make it to the 20th century without going extinct. The movie said that in 1900, 95% of births were at home, yet in the present time- less that 1% of births are at home. What the crap?! What, exactly, has happened to make hospital births such a necessity?

This really hit home for me because my cousin is having a scheduled c-section in a month. Why is this happening? Because her first child ended up needing to be delivered by c-section. Not sure how that makes sense, but it makes my cousin feel more safe and comfortable to do it that way so I don't question her about it. And ultimately, her daughter only ended up being delivered that way because of exactly what they describe in the film: the labor was long, too long for the hospital's convenience. They gave her an epi.dural and pit.ocin but the epidural slowed labor so they added more pit.ocin. The long, strong contractions brought on by pitocin led to distress in the baby and soon she was in the OR. Its also worth noting that the hospital didn't monitor who came in and out of her room. So her mother-in-law (who treats her like CRAP and my cousin HATES) trapsed in with her son and a random co-worker and started nosing around. Meanwhile, my cousin is in labor and things aren't going well so she's already stressed out. Add the stress of people coming in and out as they please (while she's basically naked) and it just got crazy. It horrifies me that my dear cousin is electing to have what is ultimately major surgery, all because she's afraid her body won't work fast enough for the local maternity ward.

Everyone should watch this movie.

November 04, 2010


I received an awesome, well though-out comment from blogland friends over at Dos Baby Mamas that really had me pondering the way I'm viewing my current situation (thank you!).  Though I still recognize the validity of my frustration and loneliness, I realize that there are other perspectives to be considering as well. For example, the obvious luxuries of being childless.

Its true Pru works crazy hours now, but the short time we spend together is JUST us. I have her (mostly) undivided attention. She does homework and stuff for work, but I'm generally with her in the same room, reading or watching tv. Although we're not interacting constantly, we're still spending time together. We also have our new pup, but he's relatively low maintenance and for the most part his schedule revolves around us, not vice versa. Not to mention the fact that we can just leave him home alone when we need to run errands. With a baby? Yeah, notsomuch.

I also get to do pretty much as I please during the day. Yeah being unemployed SUCKS, but its also a golden opportunity that not many people get. If I want to sleep in, nap, or be gone all day- its my choice. If I just feel like sitting on my butt catching up on the DVR, no problem. If I want to go out for a run, I am free to go. If I want to cover the entire kitchen table with craft supplies and focus on a project all day, I really just need to put dog food down in the morning and make sure to walk Ringo twice a day. He does not require my undivided attention by any means. A baby would most definitely need me to be focused on him/her all day!

In her comment, A (or K?) mentioned travel as well. This is a very important factor for us. Pru and I LOVE to travel. So far we've only been on long weekend trips, but we have big plans to travel both in and out of the U.S. Having a baby in tow would drastically change the way we do that (if not making it completely impossible!). And even for short, impromptu trips- a baby would make things pretty difficult. When we recently traveled to my hometown for the funeral, we took Ringo along. It was quite a pain to make sure we had all our things plus the surprising amount of crap a dog needs for a 7 hour car ride and 3 nights in a strange place. Then there's the fact that I normally just do whatever and go wherever I want when I'm back home. If my Mom and sister want to go shopping allllll day? Sure! I'm in. With Ringo? Well, no. He simply cannot stay in his crate all day. I love him, but on that weekend I seriously wanted to scream!

I could go on and on (and on...) about this. But my point has been made. There are lots of things I can be grateful and happy about right now. I'm only 27 and I've got time to do all the things I want to. And I know that what I don't want to do is be the person that spends their whole life waiting for the next step.

Once I have a kid its entirely possible I will look back on my ranting and whining and think, "Oh, if only I could go back to those days....." So I am making a promise to myself right now to put more effort into appreciating the present: to be grateful for all I have, including the luxury of being egocentric. My world revolves around me, Pru, and a low-maintenance canine. And in the big picture- thats a pretty good deal!

November 02, 2010


So I've been kinda ranting about feeling lonely...and how, exactly, does this relate to a pre-TTC blog?

Well, if I can't figure out the next step, how will I ever get to three steps away and have children? As much as I'd love to just jump into it and start having babies immediately, it would be completely irresponsible and selfish to do that before I have a career again. Sure, Pru makes good money now, but I don't want to be dependent upon her income forever. I've supported myself since I was 17 years old and the idea of being dependent on someone else is infuriating. And beyond that- I need my own own sense of contribution. I know being a parent in itself will be rewarding, but I also think utilizing your family as the sole source of validation can be tricky. My own Mother was a stay-at-home (and still is, due to recent events) and as great as that was for the sake of raising us, I often felt like the boundaries were blurred and she relied on us too much for her sense of self. I think she lived vicariously through us because she didn't have enough of her own life to focus on. We essentially were her life. I don't want that for myself, Pru, or my future children.

I know I don't need to be "perfect" before having kids, but I also have a standard for myself that I consider a reasonable launching point to begin a family. And until I figure out what to do next, I feel like I won't be able to get any closer to that point, which is extremely frustrating. It essentially makes me feel like I am completely stuck at this strange mid-career-change purgatory. I know it won't last forever, but for now- I think I just need to acknowledge where I'm at and write it all down so I can gain some perspective and maybe that will help me decide where to go from here.

November 01, 2010

Lonely, Part 2

I wish there was some magical solution. I spend a lot of time trying to come up with the right mixture of activities and time spent out versus at home alone and I'm beginning to realize that no amount of social interaction will dissipate the loneliness. It runs much deeper than just being alone. I think what I miss the most about Prudence being unemployed is that she was around and she understands me. She can relate because we're in this life together and often when I'm with "real-life" friends, I feel like I am from another planet or something because I truly struggle to relate and connect.

We've been trying to come up with a schedule that allows us time together. I've been getting up super early so we can have coffee and breakfast together before she leaves. If she's not doing homework on her lunch break, we generally have a short text conversation just to check in and say hi. And since we used to run together every morning, we've switched that to when she gets home. I really enjoy that half hour because we are together and it gives me a little break from the dog (whom I spend all day with). The only crappy part is that by the time she gets home around 6:15pm, its already pretty dark out (and daylight savings hasn't even changed yet!) so its a little dangerous to run in the park. We are currently in the process of figuring out how to make that work- probably by switching to the city block that goes around the park. It doesn't have the same quiet and "isolated" feeling, but its well lit and probably much safer because of it. Either way, it feels good to know we're trying to make this work.

Thankfully, Pru recognizes that from my perspective, I'm watching her life happen exactly as she imagined it while impatiently waiting to go back to school next semester. I'm changing careers right now and my life feels totally all over the place. I have a general sense of direction, but its riddled with insecurity and fear. My last job was...traumatic. It completely derailed my life and led me to question all I knew about myself and where I wanted to go with my life. In retrospect, it was a blessing and I'll be eternally grateful that things unfolded the way they did. But the damage has been done and for now, I'm frantically trying to figure out what the next step is.