Lonely, Part 2

I wish there was some magical solution. I spend a lot of time trying to come up with the right mixture of activities and time spent out versus at home alone and I'm beginning to realize that no amount of social interaction will dissipate the loneliness. It runs much deeper than just being alone. I think what I miss the most about Prudence being unemployed is that she was around and she understands me. She can relate because we're in this life together and often when I'm with "real-life" friends, I feel like I am from another planet or something because I truly struggle to relate and connect.

We've been trying to come up with a schedule that allows us time together. I've been getting up super early so we can have coffee and breakfast together before she leaves. If she's not doing homework on her lunch break, we generally have a short text conversation just to check in and say hi. And since we used to run together every morning, we've switched that to when she gets home. I really enjoy that half hour because we are together and it gives me a little break from the dog (whom I spend all day with). The only crappy part is that by the time she gets home around 6:15pm, its already pretty dark out (and daylight savings hasn't even changed yet!) so its a little dangerous to run in the park. We are currently in the process of figuring out how to make that work- probably by switching to the city block that goes around the park. It doesn't have the same quiet and "isolated" feeling, but its well lit and probably much safer because of it. Either way, it feels good to know we're trying to make this work.

Thankfully, Pru recognizes that from my perspective, I'm watching her life happen exactly as she imagined it while impatiently waiting to go back to school next semester. I'm changing careers right now and my life feels totally all over the place. I have a general sense of direction, but its riddled with insecurity and fear. My last job was...traumatic. It completely derailed my life and led me to question all I knew about myself and where I wanted to go with my life. In retrospect, it was a blessing and I'll be eternally grateful that things unfolded the way they did. But the damage has been done and for now, I'm frantically trying to figure out what the next step is.

Lonely

Prudence has finished her first week as a contributing member of society. She really loves her new job and that makes me so very happy. Her Boss and Big Boss think highly of her already and she feels very comfortable at the office. Her nerves have finally calmed down and after five days I think we're getting somewhat close to what one may call a routine. We have a sweet income again and she finally feels like she's back on track. Its everything we wanted! But it also kinda sucks...

I miss her. As desperate as she's been to find a job and despite the fact that it took her a year to find an ideal job, I'm kinda bummed about it. We've been totally spoiled by her unemployment because it gave us so much more time together. Now she's up at the crack of dawn and gets home after 6pm. And since she has class all day on Sunday, this happens six days a week.

I feel so lonely.
At least I have my newly adopted neurotic canine. Oh, and Netflix.

Introducing Ringo

As previously mentioned, Pru and I found a furry child to adopt. We went to a nearby shelter hoping for the best, but when we first got there it didn't look too hopeful. It was crowded, chaotic, and rather difficult to navigate. We weren't sure if we had to check-in or what so we kinda just stood there until we realized that you literally just walk around looking at the pets until you see one you like, then you ask an employee to take the animal out and play with it. Simple enough.

There were lots of super adorable dogs there, but most of the ones we liked were puppies that would grow up to be 60+ lbs. Um, not for this tiny apartment! We did end up spotting an adorable little guy but when we asked to see him, the chick said he had kennel cough and couldn't be adopted until seen by the vet.  Lame.

So we did another lap of the place and came back to this sad looking two-year old cocker spaniel. He was clearly overstimulated to the point of shutting down- he barely responded to any stimuli whatsoever. His hair was matted, greasy, and it honestly made him look like a dirty old man. They told us he had been recently returned due to food guarding issues, and those weren't even his initial owners. We have no idea how this lil old man started off, but I'd bet he's a mill dog or had been on the street for a while. He also had a double ear infection, which was not surprising considering how dirty and matted his ears were. Sad, really.

Be that as it may...we brought him home anyway! We immediately renamed him Ringo (more Beatles theme, of course), took him to the groomer to shave him down (VAST improvement), hit up the vet for the ear infections, bought a bunch of crap from Petco, and  registered for basic obedience classes, which start this weekend! Its been a rough 20 days but everyday that passes gets better. He starts to loosen up and trust us more and we do the same. There are definitely moments where I wonder what the heck we got ourselves into, but then he'll give us his adorable droopy sad face and we can't help but love him.

Here's a pic of him at my parents house, apparently tired from surfing the internet all afternoon :)

Life Update

Well, we unfortunately had a death in the family last week.  It wasn't unexpected (she'd been battling cancer for over a year) but still very sad.  She was my "Aunt" (i.e. Mom's bff who was basically family) and her young daughter is now my actual family, since my parents took custody of her.

I am admittedly relieved that she finally passed.  My Mother was her full-time caretaker (she was single and all her family lives down south) and the last several months have NOT been pleasant for our family. My parents marriage was shaky and the tension in their house was crazy. My siblings and I (and probably my Dad) had grown increasingly resentful towards her and the fact that my Mom's entire life revolved around her. Hours upon hours of driving to doctor's appointments, waiting for them, going to them, driving home, picking up prescriptions, tending to symptoms, running errands, etc etc. On top of that, my parents were taking care of her child simultaneously.  It was a lot to take on, even for the most Christian of hearts.  But the reality is that when my parents signed on to this (last year) the docs gave my Aunt three months max to live.  She lived nine months longer and that might sound like a miracle (which, ultimately, it is) but with that also came a lot of heartache, anger, bitterness, resentment, and frustration. It had gotten to the point where the mere mention of her name made me cringe.

I feel bad.  But not because I not-so-secretly wished she'd just pass already. And not because I was jealous and angry that she was pulling my Mom away from the rest of us. Because thats how I truly felt and I am not ashamed of those feelings.  But I am sad for circumstances that led up to those feelings.  I'm sad that she died young and left a child behind. Cancer is a bitch.

This was the 5th death in our family within the last 13 months. I've lost a cousin (H1N1) and Grandmother (heart failure), both of whom I was extremely close to.  I also lost a second-cousin my Mom's age (sudden heart attack), a Great-Uncle (general old age), and now my Aunt (cancer). Its been wild and my emotions are all over the place.  I generally don't consider myself one to struggle with mortality, but when death stalks you like this, its hard to overlook.  It isn't necessarily death that scares me as much as how incredibly vulnerable we are to it.  There's no choice. Death comes when it wants to.

But I digress away from my existential crisis....

In better news- we found a dog! More information on that next post :)

She Got The Job!

Her second interview went very well- possibly even better than the first. She really impressed Big Boss and had a good feeling about the whole process, so I was fairly certain she'd be offered the position. Low and behold, Pru gets a call at 10am this morning and what is it? An offer for the job (which of course she accepted)! Woohoo! This is such great news for a myriad of reasons, but most notably for me- it is indicative of the fact that we are truly moving forward. We've been in this lame rut for a while now and it seemed like marriage and kids was another lifetime away. But in the last couple months, we've both made leaps and bounds and it feels like the ball has really started rolling again. Things are starting to come together beautifully and overall we just feel so much more hopeful that our goals are attainable and not so out of reach anymore.

To be honest, it will be a rough adjustment to have Prudence gone all the time. She'll be working 35 hours a week + commuting to Rockefeller Center (so add 10 hours of travel per week). Then she starts a new class later in the month which is all day Sunday in downtown Manhattan, so thats another full day out of the house.  And then there's her other night class. So all in all, she'll be gone for about 60-65 hours a week. This a huge leap from the unemployed life she was living, where I saw her pretty much all the time. I know this is not outside the realm of what normal people do all the time, but I've been admittedly spoiled and so this feels really shitty. It doesn't overshadow my excitement and pride for Pru, but I will definitely miss spending so much time with her.

I suppose this just means I will have more time to obsessively read about fertility, pregnancy, labor, and raising kids. Guess I'd better make another trip to Barnes & Noble :)

Update!

Pru's BlackBerry just beeped at her and upon checking it, she exclaimed "Aw, yay!"...meaning that she received an e-mail from the Big Boss offering a second interview!!! Wow, that was super fast! Her interview will be Thursday or Friday which means the process is moving a lot faster than expected and we should know even sooner whether she'll get the job.  Hurray!!

Interview Success

So Pru's interview went very well- yay! We both took the train into Manhattan and I walked her over to Rockefeller Center about 15 minutes before her interview. She loved the office- its very fancy pants. I felt like a schmuck walking through the concourse with Pru next to me, dressed to the nines in her power pumps and skirt-suit, but I wanted to provide moral support. And I also wanted to do some browsing on Fifth Ave :)

I guess the interviewer really loved Pru and thought she was a great match for the job. There are two more applicants left to interview and then they'll start the second round of interviews with the Big Boss next week. I'm absolutely positive Prudence make it to the second round. I think she has a really good chance of being offered this job because her background doesn't just "qualify" her- she is literally perfect for this position. After her interview, she said that this was exactly the job she wants; that if she could create the ideal job for herself, it would be this one. Plus as an added bonus- while making small talk, the interviewer slid in that this particular company has been really focusing on "diversifying" the workplace in order to reflect their overall clientèle better. This will most likely work in her favor since she's Asian. She said when she glanced around the office she only spotted white people, white Jews, and black people. Looks like they could use a little yellow up in there, haha!

We're both feeling very hopeful about this job. We should find out  by the end of the week if she will have a second interview and then its just a matter of seeing if the Big Boss loves Pru as much as this woman did (which, of course, she will!).

Job Interview!

Prudence has a job interview tomorrow. Ah! Exciting! She's in grad school now, but her classes are evenings and Sundays, so she decided she'd be more than able to take on a full-time job. She's been sending in resumes for....forever, it seems, and FINALLY got a legit call! Its for a program director position at an organization based in Manhattan (50th and Broadway-ish) so she'd have to commute, but doesn't everyone around here? Seriously? Her last job was also in Midtown and it sucked because of the commute, but she had crazy hours and sometimes would be on the train super-late which made me hella nervous (anyone remember the Easter shootings?? yeah, she was a block away). But this is a great opportunity and a job she is perfect for! We've been struggling a little in the way of money lately and were pretty worried about the upcoming holiday season, so getting this job would really help us out a LOT.

Fingers crossed, but you've got this in the bag, babe!