Life Update

Well, we unfortunately had a death in the family last week.  It wasn't unexpected (she'd been battling cancer for over a year) but still very sad.  She was my "Aunt" (i.e. Mom's bff who was basically family) and her young daughter is now my actual family, since my parents took custody of her.

I am admittedly relieved that she finally passed.  My Mother was her full-time caretaker (she was single and all her family lives down south) and the last several months have NOT been pleasant for our family. My parents marriage was shaky and the tension in their house was crazy. My siblings and I (and probably my Dad) had grown increasingly resentful towards her and the fact that my Mom's entire life revolved around her. Hours upon hours of driving to doctor's appointments, waiting for them, going to them, driving home, picking up prescriptions, tending to symptoms, running errands, etc etc. On top of that, my parents were taking care of her child simultaneously.  It was a lot to take on, even for the most Christian of hearts.  But the reality is that when my parents signed on to this (last year) the docs gave my Aunt three months max to live.  She lived nine months longer and that might sound like a miracle (which, ultimately, it is) but with that also came a lot of heartache, anger, bitterness, resentment, and frustration. It had gotten to the point where the mere mention of her name made me cringe.

I feel bad.  But not because I not-so-secretly wished she'd just pass already. And not because I was jealous and angry that she was pulling my Mom away from the rest of us. Because thats how I truly felt and I am not ashamed of those feelings.  But I am sad for circumstances that led up to those feelings.  I'm sad that she died young and left a child behind. Cancer is a bitch.

This was the 5th death in our family within the last 13 months. I've lost a cousin (H1N1) and Grandmother (heart failure), both of whom I was extremely close to.  I also lost a second-cousin my Mom's age (sudden heart attack), a Great-Uncle (general old age), and now my Aunt (cancer). Its been wild and my emotions are all over the place.  I generally don't consider myself one to struggle with mortality, but when death stalks you like this, its hard to overlook.  It isn't necessarily death that scares me as much as how incredibly vulnerable we are to it.  There's no choice. Death comes when it wants to.

But I digress away from my existential crisis....

In better news- we found a dog! More information on that next post :)