I'm officially moving this blog to WordPress permanently. So if you come across this blog and want to follow along on our journey, please visit the new web address. Thanks!
See ya on WP :)
November 22, 2013
November 17, 2013
Ready to be Ready
It has been over three years since I started this blog. Back then, I really wanted children. I still do. But Pru and I have had a lot of decisions to make and having children just never made sense. We knew that one day we'd try to start a family, but it always seemed something in the distance future.
Until now.
Yesterday at brunch, I mentioned to Pru that I'd really like us to start having a conversation about getting ready to have kids. She said okay. Simple as that. She's not ready. Neither am I. But we're ready to BE ready. We're ready to talk about money and logistics. We're ready to finish the research I started so long ago and contact our doctor and set a "start date."
She has a great job. I will be starting school next semester to completely change careers. Is the timing perfect? Nope, not at all. But it will never be perfect. It just needs to be good enough. And we believe that it is.
Finally.
Until now.
Yesterday at brunch, I mentioned to Pru that I'd really like us to start having a conversation about getting ready to have kids. She said okay. Simple as that. She's not ready. Neither am I. But we're ready to BE ready. We're ready to talk about money and logistics. We're ready to finish the research I started so long ago and contact our doctor and set a "start date."
She has a great job. I will be starting school next semester to completely change careers. Is the timing perfect? Nope, not at all. But it will never be perfect. It just needs to be good enough. And we believe that it is.
Finally.
August 19, 2011
Sites to Share
I just wanted to share two great sites I found recently:
http://itsconceivablenow.com/ -- which is a Brooklyn based site, but has all kinds of support and information for Gay families (both TTC/adoption and already parenting).
-and-
http://www.coricupcake.wordpress.com/ -- which is the blog from Cori + Kacy (for all those "The Real L Word" watchers out there) who are currently in the TTC process. I think its awesome that a "celesbian" couple is TTC because I think it will really help to raise awareness and unite the lesbian community!
Hope everyone is well :)
http://itsconceivablenow.com/ -- which is a Brooklyn based site, but has all kinds of support and information for Gay families (both TTC/adoption and already parenting).
-and-
http://www.coricupcake.wordpress.com/ -- which is the blog from Cori + Kacy (for all those "The Real L Word" watchers out there) who are currently in the TTC process. I think its awesome that a "celesbian" couple is TTC because I think it will really help to raise awareness and unite the lesbian community!
Hope everyone is well :)
June 24, 2011
FINALLY!!!
WE CAN FINALLY GET LEGALLY MARRIED!!!!!
What a crazy, amped-up, emotional rollercoaster these past two weeks have been. But after a LOT of work and essentially BEGGING the Senate to vote on this bill, they passed it and New York has gay marriage!!
SO EXCITING!!!!
What a crazy, amped-up, emotional rollercoaster these past two weeks have been. But after a LOT of work and essentially BEGGING the Senate to vote on this bill, they passed it and New York has gay marriage!!
SO EXCITING!!!!
April 28, 2011
Still Here
Since I've gotten a couple of comments, I wanted to update to say we're still here!
We have done a lot of discussing, researching, the usual in the way of babymaking...but there's just so much ELSE going on right now that I can't seem to find anything particularly compelling to blog about (as it relates to having a kid anyway). But I do still read everyone else's blog and comment as much as I can!
Thanks for checking in with us :)
February 17, 2011
Mom & MIL vs. Home-births
Even though it's gonna be a while before I try to get pregnant, I've done a lot of research about home-birth and birthing centers. A LOT. I feel pretty well informed about midwifery, doulas, and all that comes along with a non-traditional (read: hospital) birth. That being said, in recent conversations regarding family members giving birth I've mentioned that I am highly, if not exclusively, interested in having an alternative birth plan. I feel very strongly against the medicalization of pregnancy and fear-based birthing that tends to take place in hospital settings.
Well holy crap!
Both my Mom and Pru's literally freaked out. They immediately and vehemently protested this idea and launched into the always clever "but what if something goes wrong and you're not near a neo-natal unit?!" argument. I tried to explain that a good midwife would never attempt to deliver a "high-risk" pregnancy at home and in the event something went wrong, they'd be more than happy to transfer delivery to a hospital setting LONG before it became an issue. I also mentioned that statistically, midwives have excellent track records and low death-rates among both infants and mothers and significantly less c-sections, particularly when compared against For-Profit hospitals.
They heard about, oh... 0% of what I said.
I don't think I'll be mentioning this again for a long time...
Anyone else have people freak out when they brought up a birth plan in a setting other than a hospital??
Well holy crap!
Both my Mom and Pru's literally freaked out. They immediately and vehemently protested this idea and launched into the always clever "but what if something goes wrong and you're not near a neo-natal unit?!" argument. I tried to explain that a good midwife would never attempt to deliver a "high-risk" pregnancy at home and in the event something went wrong, they'd be more than happy to transfer delivery to a hospital setting LONG before it became an issue. I also mentioned that statistically, midwives have excellent track records and low death-rates among both infants and mothers and significantly less c-sections, particularly when compared against For-Profit hospitals.
They heard about, oh... 0% of what I said.
I don't think I'll be mentioning this again for a long time...
Anyone else have people freak out when they brought up a birth plan in a setting other than a hospital??
January 21, 2011
Broker?
Right now we live in the ass-end of Brooklyn. Well, not Coney Island ass-end, but pretty south. It takes Pru an hour to get to work every day (at best). Annoying. So for that, and several other, reasons- we've decided to move. But for anyone that has any experience trying to nail down a decent apartment in the greater NYC area, you know that its...difficult. We're considering using a broker this time because Pru's sister found a great place in Bay Ridge through one, but we're struggling with the idea of paying someone to do something we technically can do ourselves. On the other hand, its a MASSIVE hassle and having help would be a godsend. We're not looking to move into Manhattan, but just a part of Brooklyn closer to Manhattan so we can shorten that damn commute. Oy. This should be fun. Wish us luck!
Oh, and here's a picture of my handsome boy, Sir Ringo:
How cute is this guy?!?!
Oh, and here's a picture of my handsome boy, Sir Ringo:
How cute is this guy?!?!
January 12, 2011
Purposeful Conception?
I stumbled upon this site today, entitled "Purposeful Conception" and I just had to laugh. A lot. Because, really, as lesbians- do we have any other choice? Everything we do from the moment we realize we want to have children is 100% purposeful, if not emphatically so. Although I DO think its great that straight people are attempting to conceive with more care and intent, its kind of sad to realize that to do so is considered somewhat "enlightened" or better than those that don't take the time to gain knowledge about preparing your life and body for reproduction.
I think straight couples could learn a whole lot from the lesbians! Maybe we should start our own website on purposeful conception?
January 07, 2011
WTF?
Everything about this makes me shake my head. I just don't get it...
Woman Unaware of Pregancy Gives Birth-
The story of Jessica Genaw is truly an unusual one; almost an unbelievable one – she gave birth to a healthy 7 pound 10 ounce baby boy on New Year’s Eve, without being aware of her pregnancy all throughout her pregnancy. Genaw was taking birth control pills right throughout her pregnancy and was unaware that she had conceived. On the day that the baby was due to arrive, she said that she just felt really sick all day, and then started having really bad stomach cramps. Then the cramps got really bad and she thought a bath would offer some relief. However the cramps got worse and she got the feeling that she really had to push! She then called 911 and when the paramedics arrived, they had to break into the house since Genaw was not able to get out of the bath. It was only when she was in the ambulance that she realized she was in labor. Once at the hospital, all it took was one push to get baby out!
While this is a truly exceptional case, it is not unheard of that women don’t come to know about a pregnancy until later, since they exhibit few or no signs of it; even continuing to have normal periods throughout their pregnancy!
WTF?
Woman Unaware of Pregancy Gives Birth-
The story of Jessica Genaw is truly an unusual one; almost an unbelievable one – she gave birth to a healthy 7 pound 10 ounce baby boy on New Year’s Eve, without being aware of her pregnancy all throughout her pregnancy. Genaw was taking birth control pills right throughout her pregnancy and was unaware that she had conceived. On the day that the baby was due to arrive, she said that she just felt really sick all day, and then started having really bad stomach cramps. Then the cramps got really bad and she thought a bath would offer some relief. However the cramps got worse and she got the feeling that she really had to push! She then called 911 and when the paramedics arrived, they had to break into the house since Genaw was not able to get out of the bath. It was only when she was in the ambulance that she realized she was in labor. Once at the hospital, all it took was one push to get baby out!
While this is a truly exceptional case, it is not unheard of that women don’t come to know about a pregnancy until later, since they exhibit few or no signs of it; even continuing to have normal periods throughout their pregnancy!
WTF?
January 05, 2011
Holidays, baby, and a lot of rambling
Man, holidays are crazy! I love them, though. We had a blast with both families and I'm pretty sad its already over :(
My beautiful cousin had her beautiful daughter, healthy and perfect, as planned- on December 17th. Since I barely ever get to my hometown, I was given the privilege of holding the baby for the WHOLE TIME we were celebrating Christmas at my cousin's house. It wasn't long, since she was recovering from a c-section, but for that two hours, I was in baby-love heaven. Heaven! It definitely made my womb throb with longing, but I also felt pangs of fear. This is the first time I've held a newborn since we began seriously discussing/researching having children and my perspective into babies has changed. I still love them and want some for myself, but holding that little girl and envisioning her as my own brought a wave of "holy shit if I have one of these, I actually have to take care of it, keep it alive, and not ruin its life. whoa!" and for a moment, I wanted to hand her back and run the other way. I didn't, but the point is- reality hit me like a ton of bricks.
I also had the chance to have a wonderful discussion with my cousin about babies. Pru and I got stuck upstate while NYC was hit with a rather ridiculous amount of snow, so we took that opportunity to sneak more baby oogling time. While my cuz folded a whole lot of baby/toddler laundry, she started asking us about having our own kiddos (she insists we have them immediately so her kids have cousins their age, similar to all of the cousins our age). As much as I want to grant her wish, its just not realistic right now.
After joking about that for a while, she starting asking us the more serious questions- egg? sperm? uterus?- you know, the tricky stuff lesbians have to navigate in order to spawn. She was genuinely interested and obviously wanted to show her support. She listened as I explained just about everything I understand regarding lesbian conception and asked more questions. It was great! I totally didn't feel like she was being nosy/fascinated with lesbo reproduction. By the end, I felt so...grateful. It was wonderful to learn that a family member is so supportive and interested. My family has historically been pretty lame in the way of acceptance, but have made unbelievable leaps and bounds towards changing.
Furthermore, my cousin is the only family member I have who is non-white. My Aunt got knocked up by a Mexican soldier when she was twenty(ish) and it was NOT well received by the family. My cousin was basically this colored bastard child no one wanted...until she was born and then, well, its hard not to love a chubby cutesy ball of happy. With time, everyone chilled out and my cousin was raised with much love. However, her halfy status was literally NEVER mentioned. I didn't even find out until I was much older (sidenote: how ignorant am I to not notice my cousin doesn't look totally white? I still dont really see it and it absolutely cracks Pru up. The power of denial, folks). I don't even remember how I found out.
Anyway, this whole race experience/discovery has given me basically the only insight I have into how my family receives "minorities." This, naturally, has me mildly panicked about how they'll respond to our future half-Korean children. Even if they had a tantrum and disowned me, I'm still having halfies, but it will make things....kinda shitty. My cousin and sister reassured me that no one will care, but what exactly does "care" mean? Not hate? Tolerate? Celebrate? Ignore? There's a lot of gray area within the phrase "they won't care." Hmm. I will eventually have more conversations about this, but for now I'm just trying to get a sense of how my more accepting family members feel about it.
Well this is long-winded. I'm done.
Except...congratulations to the new babies and BFPs out there in the blogosphere! I'm so happy for you gals!!!!
My beautiful cousin had her beautiful daughter, healthy and perfect, as planned- on December 17th. Since I barely ever get to my hometown, I was given the privilege of holding the baby for the WHOLE TIME we were celebrating Christmas at my cousin's house. It wasn't long, since she was recovering from a c-section, but for that two hours, I was in baby-love heaven. Heaven! It definitely made my womb throb with longing, but I also felt pangs of fear. This is the first time I've held a newborn since we began seriously discussing/researching having children and my perspective into babies has changed. I still love them and want some for myself, but holding that little girl and envisioning her as my own brought a wave of "holy shit if I have one of these, I actually have to take care of it, keep it alive, and not ruin its life. whoa!" and for a moment, I wanted to hand her back and run the other way. I didn't, but the point is- reality hit me like a ton of bricks.
I also had the chance to have a wonderful discussion with my cousin about babies. Pru and I got stuck upstate while NYC was hit with a rather ridiculous amount of snow, so we took that opportunity to sneak more baby oogling time. While my cuz folded a whole lot of baby/toddler laundry, she started asking us about having our own kiddos (she insists we have them immediately so her kids have cousins their age, similar to all of the cousins our age). As much as I want to grant her wish, its just not realistic right now.
After joking about that for a while, she starting asking us the more serious questions- egg? sperm? uterus?- you know, the tricky stuff lesbians have to navigate in order to spawn. She was genuinely interested and obviously wanted to show her support. She listened as I explained just about everything I understand regarding lesbian conception and asked more questions. It was great! I totally didn't feel like she was being nosy/fascinated with lesbo reproduction. By the end, I felt so...grateful. It was wonderful to learn that a family member is so supportive and interested. My family has historically been pretty lame in the way of acceptance, but have made unbelievable leaps and bounds towards changing.
Furthermore, my cousin is the only family member I have who is non-white. My Aunt got knocked up by a Mexican soldier when she was twenty(ish) and it was NOT well received by the family. My cousin was basically this colored bastard child no one wanted...until she was born and then, well, its hard not to love a chubby cutesy ball of happy. With time, everyone chilled out and my cousin was raised with much love. However, her halfy status was literally NEVER mentioned. I didn't even find out until I was much older (sidenote: how ignorant am I to not notice my cousin doesn't look totally white? I still dont really see it and it absolutely cracks Pru up. The power of denial, folks). I don't even remember how I found out.
Anyway, this whole race experience/discovery has given me basically the only insight I have into how my family receives "minorities." This, naturally, has me mildly panicked about how they'll respond to our future half-Korean children. Even if they had a tantrum and disowned me, I'm still having halfies, but it will make things....kinda shitty. My cousin and sister reassured me that no one will care, but what exactly does "care" mean? Not hate? Tolerate? Celebrate? Ignore? There's a lot of gray area within the phrase "they won't care." Hmm. I will eventually have more conversations about this, but for now I'm just trying to get a sense of how my more accepting family members feel about it.
Well this is long-winded. I'm done.
Except...congratulations to the new babies and BFPs out there in the blogosphere! I'm so happy for you gals!!!!
December 16, 2010
November 10, 2010
"Mak.ing Bab.ies"
I ordered the book "Mak.ing Bab.ies" for a ridiculously cheap price. It came in the mail yesterday and I started browsing it immediately. This morning I was able to skim through the rest and I'm really glad I got it! I love the East-meets-West collaboration between the two authors. It makes for a pretty well-rounded perspective. It seems to strike a nice balance between too granola or too clinical. I reviewed the section that helps you identify your "type" and I am definitely "stuck." I kinda love the fact that they divide fertility into different sections because women are not the same and it personalizes the program much more than the generic approaches I often read in other books. Several sections are not at ALL like me, so its neat that I can really zero in on what could work best for me.
So far it looks great and I'm excited to plow through the rest of it :)
So far it looks great and I'm excited to plow through the rest of it :)
November 08, 2010
Horrified
So I just finished watching "The B.usiness of Being B.orn" on Net.flix. Um, wow. First of all, it was more horrifying than any story I have EVER heard about a home or birthing center birth. Secondly, I cannot believe how shitty American labor and delivery truly is! Its no wonder we're all terrified of giving birth!
I feel betrayed. I feel lied to. I feel like the culture of childbirth has used fear and scare tactics to get us to buy into their crap for the sake of making a buck and maintaining a sense of power. Hospitals give the impression that they're better equipped to handle childbirth because they have medical degrees, fancy equipment, and operating rooms. But it would seem that if a woman has a low-risk, normal pregnancy- all that crap shouldn't even be necessary!
This documentary opened my eyes to the many ways in which doctors/nurses trap women into these completely ridiculous and unnecessary labors by using the phrase, "its the best for the baby." Such bullshit! Its maddening to see that when women ask for explanations, elaborations, or options, they are treated like stupid ignorant morons. As if they couldn't possibly know what is best for them, their body, or their babies. When the heck did that happen? How did we get to a place where women have no say over what happens during childbirth? Seems to me like childbirth has become something that happens TO women, instead of something we are actively participating in. Women are taught not to trust their bodies and that is awful.
I am saddened by how dis-empowering Western medicine truly is. Practitioners have zero respect for the beauty and wonder of childbirth and completely underestimate a woman's ability to naturally do what her body was MADE to do. I highly doubt they had ep.idurals, pit.ocin, forceps, vacuums, etc in the early days of humanity. Yet somehow we managed to make it to the 20th century without going extinct. The movie said that in 1900, 95% of births were at home, yet in the present time- less that 1% of births are at home. What the crap?! What, exactly, has happened to make hospital births such a necessity?
This really hit home for me because my cousin is having a scheduled c-section in a month. Why is this happening? Because her first child ended up needing to be delivered by c-section. Not sure how that makes sense, but it makes my cousin feel more safe and comfortable to do it that way so I don't question her about it. And ultimately, her daughter only ended up being delivered that way because of exactly what they describe in the film: the labor was long, too long for the hospital's convenience. They gave her an epi.dural and pit.ocin but the epidural slowed labor so they added more pit.ocin. The long, strong contractions brought on by pitocin led to distress in the baby and soon she was in the OR. Its also worth noting that the hospital didn't monitor who came in and out of her room. So her mother-in-law (who treats her like CRAP and my cousin HATES) trapsed in with her son and a random co-worker and started nosing around. Meanwhile, my cousin is in labor and things aren't going well so she's already stressed out. Add the stress of people coming in and out as they please (while she's basically naked) and it just got crazy. It horrifies me that my dear cousin is electing to have what is ultimately major surgery, all because she's afraid her body won't work fast enough for the local maternity ward.
Everyone should watch this movie.
I feel betrayed. I feel lied to. I feel like the culture of childbirth has used fear and scare tactics to get us to buy into their crap for the sake of making a buck and maintaining a sense of power. Hospitals give the impression that they're better equipped to handle childbirth because they have medical degrees, fancy equipment, and operating rooms. But it would seem that if a woman has a low-risk, normal pregnancy- all that crap shouldn't even be necessary!
This documentary opened my eyes to the many ways in which doctors/nurses trap women into these completely ridiculous and unnecessary labors by using the phrase, "its the best for the baby." Such bullshit! Its maddening to see that when women ask for explanations, elaborations, or options, they are treated like stupid ignorant morons. As if they couldn't possibly know what is best for them, their body, or their babies. When the heck did that happen? How did we get to a place where women have no say over what happens during childbirth? Seems to me like childbirth has become something that happens TO women, instead of something we are actively participating in. Women are taught not to trust their bodies and that is awful.
I am saddened by how dis-empowering Western medicine truly is. Practitioners have zero respect for the beauty and wonder of childbirth and completely underestimate a woman's ability to naturally do what her body was MADE to do. I highly doubt they had ep.idurals, pit.ocin, forceps, vacuums, etc in the early days of humanity. Yet somehow we managed to make it to the 20th century without going extinct. The movie said that in 1900, 95% of births were at home, yet in the present time- less that 1% of births are at home. What the crap?! What, exactly, has happened to make hospital births such a necessity?
This really hit home for me because my cousin is having a scheduled c-section in a month. Why is this happening? Because her first child ended up needing to be delivered by c-section. Not sure how that makes sense, but it makes my cousin feel more safe and comfortable to do it that way so I don't question her about it. And ultimately, her daughter only ended up being delivered that way because of exactly what they describe in the film: the labor was long, too long for the hospital's convenience. They gave her an epi.dural and pit.ocin but the epidural slowed labor so they added more pit.ocin. The long, strong contractions brought on by pitocin led to distress in the baby and soon she was in the OR. Its also worth noting that the hospital didn't monitor who came in and out of her room. So her mother-in-law (who treats her like CRAP and my cousin HATES) trapsed in with her son and a random co-worker and started nosing around. Meanwhile, my cousin is in labor and things aren't going well so she's already stressed out. Add the stress of people coming in and out as they please (while she's basically naked) and it just got crazy. It horrifies me that my dear cousin is electing to have what is ultimately major surgery, all because she's afraid her body won't work fast enough for the local maternity ward.
Everyone should watch this movie.
November 04, 2010
Perspective
I received an awesome, well though-out comment from blogland friends over at Dos Baby Mamas that really had me pondering the way I'm viewing my current situation (thank you!). Though I still recognize the validity of my frustration and loneliness, I realize that there are other perspectives to be considering as well. For example, the obvious luxuries of being childless.
Its true Pru works crazy hours now, but the short time we spend together is JUST us. I have her (mostly) undivided attention. She does homework and stuff for work, but I'm generally with her in the same room, reading or watching tv. Although we're not interacting constantly, we're still spending time together. We also have our new pup, but he's relatively low maintenance and for the most part his schedule revolves around us, not vice versa. Not to mention the fact that we can just leave him home alone when we need to run errands. With a baby? Yeah, notsomuch.
I also get to do pretty much as I please during the day. Yeah being unemployed SUCKS, but its also a golden opportunity that not many people get. If I want to sleep in, nap, or be gone all day- its my choice. If I just feel like sitting on my butt catching up on the DVR, no problem. If I want to go out for a run, I am free to go. If I want to cover the entire kitchen table with craft supplies and focus on a project all day, I really just need to put dog food down in the morning and make sure to walk Ringo twice a day. He does not require my undivided attention by any means. A baby would most definitely need me to be focused on him/her all day!
In her comment, A (or K?) mentioned travel as well. This is a very important factor for us. Pru and I LOVE to travel. So far we've only been on long weekend trips, but we have big plans to travel both in and out of the U.S. Having a baby in tow would drastically change the way we do that (if not making it completely impossible!). And even for short, impromptu trips- a baby would make things pretty difficult. When we recently traveled to my hometown for the funeral, we took Ringo along. It was quite a pain to make sure we had all our things plus the surprising amount of crap a dog needs for a 7 hour car ride and 3 nights in a strange place. Then there's the fact that I normally just do whatever and go wherever I want when I'm back home. If my Mom and sister want to go shopping allllll day? Sure! I'm in. With Ringo? Well, no. He simply cannot stay in his crate all day. I love him, but on that weekend I seriously wanted to scream!
I could go on and on (and on...) about this. But my point has been made. There are lots of things I can be grateful and happy about right now. I'm only 27 and I've got time to do all the things I want to. And I know that what I don't want to do is be the person that spends their whole life waiting for the next step.
Once I have a kid its entirely possible I will look back on my ranting and whining and think, "Oh, if only I could go back to those days....." So I am making a promise to myself right now to put more effort into appreciating the present: to be grateful for all I have, including the luxury of being egocentric. My world revolves around me, Pru, and a low-maintenance canine. And in the big picture- thats a pretty good deal!
Its true Pru works crazy hours now, but the short time we spend together is JUST us. I have her (mostly) undivided attention. She does homework and stuff for work, but I'm generally with her in the same room, reading or watching tv. Although we're not interacting constantly, we're still spending time together. We also have our new pup, but he's relatively low maintenance and for the most part his schedule revolves around us, not vice versa. Not to mention the fact that we can just leave him home alone when we need to run errands. With a baby? Yeah, notsomuch.
I also get to do pretty much as I please during the day. Yeah being unemployed SUCKS, but its also a golden opportunity that not many people get. If I want to sleep in, nap, or be gone all day- its my choice. If I just feel like sitting on my butt catching up on the DVR, no problem. If I want to go out for a run, I am free to go. If I want to cover the entire kitchen table with craft supplies and focus on a project all day, I really just need to put dog food down in the morning and make sure to walk Ringo twice a day. He does not require my undivided attention by any means. A baby would most definitely need me to be focused on him/her all day!
In her comment, A (or K?) mentioned travel as well. This is a very important factor for us. Pru and I LOVE to travel. So far we've only been on long weekend trips, but we have big plans to travel both in and out of the U.S. Having a baby in tow would drastically change the way we do that (if not making it completely impossible!). And even for short, impromptu trips- a baby would make things pretty difficult. When we recently traveled to my hometown for the funeral, we took Ringo along. It was quite a pain to make sure we had all our things plus the surprising amount of crap a dog needs for a 7 hour car ride and 3 nights in a strange place. Then there's the fact that I normally just do whatever and go wherever I want when I'm back home. If my Mom and sister want to go shopping allllll day? Sure! I'm in. With Ringo? Well, no. He simply cannot stay in his crate all day. I love him, but on that weekend I seriously wanted to scream!
I could go on and on (and on...) about this. But my point has been made. There are lots of things I can be grateful and happy about right now. I'm only 27 and I've got time to do all the things I want to. And I know that what I don't want to do is be the person that spends their whole life waiting for the next step.
Once I have a kid its entirely possible I will look back on my ranting and whining and think, "Oh, if only I could go back to those days....." So I am making a promise to myself right now to put more effort into appreciating the present: to be grateful for all I have, including the luxury of being egocentric. My world revolves around me, Pru, and a low-maintenance canine. And in the big picture- thats a pretty good deal!
November 02, 2010
Stuck
So I've been kinda ranting about feeling lonely...and how, exactly, does this relate to a pre-TTC blog?
Well, if I can't figure out the next step, how will I ever get to three steps away and have children? As much as I'd love to just jump into it and start having babies immediately, it would be completely irresponsible and selfish to do that before I have a career again. Sure, Pru makes good money now, but I don't want to be dependent upon her income forever. I've supported myself since I was 17 years old and the idea of being dependent on someone else is infuriating. And beyond that- I need my own thing...my own sense of contribution. I know being a parent in itself will be rewarding, but I also think utilizing your family as the sole source of validation can be tricky. My own Mother was a stay-at-home (and still is, due to recent events) and as great as that was for the sake of raising us, I often felt like the boundaries were blurred and she relied on us too much for her sense of self. I think she lived vicariously through us because she didn't have enough of her own life to focus on. We essentially were her life. I don't want that for myself, Pru, or my future children.
I know I don't need to be "perfect" before having kids, but I also have a standard for myself that I consider a reasonable launching point to begin a family. And until I figure out what to do next, I feel like I won't be able to get any closer to that point, which is extremely frustrating. It essentially makes me feel like I am completely stuck at this strange mid-career-change purgatory. I know it won't last forever, but for now- I think I just need to acknowledge where I'm at and write it all down so I can gain some perspective and maybe that will help me decide where to go from here.
Well, if I can't figure out the next step, how will I ever get to three steps away and have children? As much as I'd love to just jump into it and start having babies immediately, it would be completely irresponsible and selfish to do that before I have a career again. Sure, Pru makes good money now, but I don't want to be dependent upon her income forever. I've supported myself since I was 17 years old and the idea of being dependent on someone else is infuriating. And beyond that- I need my own thing...my own sense of contribution. I know being a parent in itself will be rewarding, but I also think utilizing your family as the sole source of validation can be tricky. My own Mother was a stay-at-home (and still is, due to recent events) and as great as that was for the sake of raising us, I often felt like the boundaries were blurred and she relied on us too much for her sense of self. I think she lived vicariously through us because she didn't have enough of her own life to focus on. We essentially were her life. I don't want that for myself, Pru, or my future children.
I know I don't need to be "perfect" before having kids, but I also have a standard for myself that I consider a reasonable launching point to begin a family. And until I figure out what to do next, I feel like I won't be able to get any closer to that point, which is extremely frustrating. It essentially makes me feel like I am completely stuck at this strange mid-career-change purgatory. I know it won't last forever, but for now- I think I just need to acknowledge where I'm at and write it all down so I can gain some perspective and maybe that will help me decide where to go from here.
November 01, 2010
Lonely, Part 2
I wish there was some magical solution. I spend a lot of time trying to come up with the right mixture of activities and time spent out versus at home alone and I'm beginning to realize that no amount of social interaction will dissipate the loneliness. It runs much deeper than just being alone. I think what I miss the most about Prudence being unemployed is that she was around and she understands me. She can relate because we're in this life together and often when I'm with "real-life" friends, I feel like I am from another planet or something because I truly struggle to relate and connect.
We've been trying to come up with a schedule that allows us time together. I've been getting up super early so we can have coffee and breakfast together before she leaves. If she's not doing homework on her lunch break, we generally have a short text conversation just to check in and say hi. And since we used to run together every morning, we've switched that to when she gets home. I really enjoy that half hour because we are together and it gives me a little break from the dog (whom I spend all day with). The only crappy part is that by the time she gets home around 6:15pm, its already pretty dark out (and daylight savings hasn't even changed yet!) so its a little dangerous to run in the park. We are currently in the process of figuring out how to make that work- probably by switching to the city block that goes around the park. It doesn't have the same quiet and "isolated" feeling, but its well lit and probably much safer because of it. Either way, it feels good to know we're trying to make this work.
Thankfully, Pru recognizes that from my perspective, I'm watching her life happen exactly as she imagined it while impatiently waiting to go back to school next semester. I'm changing careers right now and my life feels totally all over the place. I have a general sense of direction, but its riddled with insecurity and fear. My last job was...traumatic. It completely derailed my life and led me to question all I knew about myself and where I wanted to go with my life. In retrospect, it was a blessing and I'll be eternally grateful that things unfolded the way they did. But the damage has been done and for now, I'm frantically trying to figure out what the next step is.
We've been trying to come up with a schedule that allows us time together. I've been getting up super early so we can have coffee and breakfast together before she leaves. If she's not doing homework on her lunch break, we generally have a short text conversation just to check in and say hi. And since we used to run together every morning, we've switched that to when she gets home. I really enjoy that half hour because we are together and it gives me a little break from the dog (whom I spend all day with). The only crappy part is that by the time she gets home around 6:15pm, its already pretty dark out (and daylight savings hasn't even changed yet!) so its a little dangerous to run in the park. We are currently in the process of figuring out how to make that work- probably by switching to the city block that goes around the park. It doesn't have the same quiet and "isolated" feeling, but its well lit and probably much safer because of it. Either way, it feels good to know we're trying to make this work.
Thankfully, Pru recognizes that from my perspective, I'm watching her life happen exactly as she imagined it while impatiently waiting to go back to school next semester. I'm changing careers right now and my life feels totally all over the place. I have a general sense of direction, but its riddled with insecurity and fear. My last job was...traumatic. It completely derailed my life and led me to question all I knew about myself and where I wanted to go with my life. In retrospect, it was a blessing and I'll be eternally grateful that things unfolded the way they did. But the damage has been done and for now, I'm frantically trying to figure out what the next step is.
October 29, 2010
Lonely
Prudence has finished her first week as a contributing member of society. She really loves her new job and that makes me so very happy. Her Boss and Big Boss think highly of her already and she feels very comfortable at the office. Her nerves have finally calmed down and after five days I think we're getting somewhat close to what one may call a routine. We have a sweet income again and she finally feels like she's back on track. Its everything we wanted! But it also kinda sucks...
I miss her. As desperate as she's been to find a job and despite the fact that it took her a year to find an ideal job, I'm kinda bummed about it. We've been totally spoiled by her unemployment because it gave us so much more time together. Now she's up at the crack of dawn and gets home after 6pm. And since she has class all day on Sunday, this happens six days a week.
I feel so lonely.
At least I have my newly adopted neurotic canine. Oh, and Netflix.
I miss her. As desperate as she's been to find a job and despite the fact that it took her a year to find an ideal job, I'm kinda bummed about it. We've been totally spoiled by her unemployment because it gave us so much more time together. Now she's up at the crack of dawn and gets home after 6pm. And since she has class all day on Sunday, this happens six days a week.
I feel so lonely.
At least I have my newly adopted neurotic canine. Oh, and Netflix.
October 28, 2010
Introducing Ringo
As previously mentioned, Pru and I found a furry child to adopt. We went to a nearby shelter hoping for the best, but when we first got there it didn't look too hopeful. It was crowded, chaotic, and rather difficult to navigate. We weren't sure if we had to check-in or what so we kinda just stood there until we realized that you literally just walk around looking at the pets until you see one you like, then you ask an employee to take the animal out and play with it. Simple enough.
There were lots of super adorable dogs there, but most of the ones we liked were puppies that would grow up to be 60+ lbs. Um, not for this tiny apartment! We did end up spotting an adorable little guy but when we asked to see him, the chick said he had kennel cough and couldn't be adopted until seen by the vet. Lame.
So we did another lap of the place and came back to this sad looking two-year old cocker spaniel. He was clearly overstimulated to the point of shutting down- he barely responded to any stimuli whatsoever. His hair was matted, greasy, and it honestly made him look like a dirty old man. They told us he had been recently returned due to food guarding issues, and those weren't even his initial owners. We have no idea how this lil old man started off, but I'd bet he's a mill dog or had been on the street for a while. He also had a double ear infection, which was not surprising considering how dirty and matted his ears were. Sad, really.
Be that as it may...we brought him home anyway! We immediately renamed him Ringo (more Beatles theme, of course), took him to the groomer to shave him down (VAST improvement), hit up the vet for the ear infections, bought a bunch of crap from Petco, and registered for basic obedience classes, which start this weekend! Its been a rough 20 days but everyday that passes gets better. He starts to loosen up and trust us more and we do the same. There are definitely moments where I wonder what the heck we got ourselves into, but then he'll give us his adorable droopy sad face and we can't help but love him.
Here's a pic of him at my parents house, apparently tired from surfing the internet all afternoon :)
There were lots of super adorable dogs there, but most of the ones we liked were puppies that would grow up to be 60+ lbs. Um, not for this tiny apartment! We did end up spotting an adorable little guy but when we asked to see him, the chick said he had kennel cough and couldn't be adopted until seen by the vet. Lame.
So we did another lap of the place and came back to this sad looking two-year old cocker spaniel. He was clearly overstimulated to the point of shutting down- he barely responded to any stimuli whatsoever. His hair was matted, greasy, and it honestly made him look like a dirty old man. They told us he had been recently returned due to food guarding issues, and those weren't even his initial owners. We have no idea how this lil old man started off, but I'd bet he's a mill dog or had been on the street for a while. He also had a double ear infection, which was not surprising considering how dirty and matted his ears were. Sad, really.
Be that as it may...we brought him home anyway! We immediately renamed him Ringo (more Beatles theme, of course), took him to the groomer to shave him down (VAST improvement), hit up the vet for the ear infections, bought a bunch of crap from Petco, and registered for basic obedience classes, which start this weekend! Its been a rough 20 days but everyday that passes gets better. He starts to loosen up and trust us more and we do the same. There are definitely moments where I wonder what the heck we got ourselves into, but then he'll give us his adorable droopy sad face and we can't help but love him.
Here's a pic of him at my parents house, apparently tired from surfing the internet all afternoon :)
October 26, 2010
Life Update
Well, we unfortunately had a death in the family last week. It wasn't unexpected (she'd been battling cancer for over a year) but still very sad. She was my "Aunt" (i.e. Mom's bff who was basically family) and her young daughter is now my actual family, since my parents took custody of her.
I am admittedly relieved that she finally passed. My Mother was her full-time caretaker (she was single and all her family lives down south) and the last several months have NOT been pleasant for our family. My parents marriage was shaky and the tension in their house was crazy. My siblings and I (and probably my Dad) had grown increasingly resentful towards her and the fact that my Mom's entire life revolved around her. Hours upon hours of driving to doctor's appointments, waiting for them, going to them, driving home, picking up prescriptions, tending to symptoms, running errands, etc etc. On top of that, my parents were taking care of her child simultaneously. It was a lot to take on, even for the most Christian of hearts. But the reality is that when my parents signed on to this (last year) the docs gave my Aunt three months max to live. She lived nine months longer and that might sound like a miracle (which, ultimately, it is) but with that also came a lot of heartache, anger, bitterness, resentment, and frustration. It had gotten to the point where the mere mention of her name made me cringe.
I feel bad. But not because I not-so-secretly wished she'd just pass already. And not because I was jealous and angry that she was pulling my Mom away from the rest of us. Because thats how I truly felt and I am not ashamed of those feelings. But I am sad for circumstances that led up to those feelings. I'm sad that she died young and left a child behind. Cancer is a bitch.
This was the 5th death in our family within the last 13 months. I've lost a cousin (H1N1) and Grandmother (heart failure), both of whom I was extremely close to. I also lost a second-cousin my Mom's age (sudden heart attack), a Great-Uncle (general old age), and now my Aunt (cancer). Its been wild and my emotions are all over the place. I generally don't consider myself one to struggle with mortality, but when death stalks you like this, its hard to overlook. It isn't necessarily death that scares me as much as how incredibly vulnerable we are to it. There's no choice. Death comes when it wants to.
But I digress away from my existential crisis....
In better news- we found a dog! More information on that next post :)
I am admittedly relieved that she finally passed. My Mother was her full-time caretaker (she was single and all her family lives down south) and the last several months have NOT been pleasant for our family. My parents marriage was shaky and the tension in their house was crazy. My siblings and I (and probably my Dad) had grown increasingly resentful towards her and the fact that my Mom's entire life revolved around her. Hours upon hours of driving to doctor's appointments, waiting for them, going to them, driving home, picking up prescriptions, tending to symptoms, running errands, etc etc. On top of that, my parents were taking care of her child simultaneously. It was a lot to take on, even for the most Christian of hearts. But the reality is that when my parents signed on to this (last year) the docs gave my Aunt three months max to live. She lived nine months longer and that might sound like a miracle (which, ultimately, it is) but with that also came a lot of heartache, anger, bitterness, resentment, and frustration. It had gotten to the point where the mere mention of her name made me cringe.
I feel bad. But not because I not-so-secretly wished she'd just pass already. And not because I was jealous and angry that she was pulling my Mom away from the rest of us. Because thats how I truly felt and I am not ashamed of those feelings. But I am sad for circumstances that led up to those feelings. I'm sad that she died young and left a child behind. Cancer is a bitch.
This was the 5th death in our family within the last 13 months. I've lost a cousin (H1N1) and Grandmother (heart failure), both of whom I was extremely close to. I also lost a second-cousin my Mom's age (sudden heart attack), a Great-Uncle (general old age), and now my Aunt (cancer). Its been wild and my emotions are all over the place. I generally don't consider myself one to struggle with mortality, but when death stalks you like this, its hard to overlook. It isn't necessarily death that scares me as much as how incredibly vulnerable we are to it. There's no choice. Death comes when it wants to.
But I digress away from my existential crisis....
In better news- we found a dog! More information on that next post :)
October 09, 2010
A Different Type of 'Baby'
I know I'm not currently trying-to-conceive (sadly). In the meantime, however, I would still very much like to put my maternal instincts to good use. Since human babies are out of the question for now, I've decided it is time for furry children. I had a dog my entire life (well, since I was 4, but who remembers before 4 anyway?) until college. Naturally, ResLife is not too keen on the idea of canines roaming around their dorms, and our two previous landlords shared that sentiment, so for the last decade(ish) I have been pet-less. Fortunately, our current living situation allows for (small) dogs so we've decided its time to search for that perfect pup.
We don't have a specific breed in mind, but it needs to be pretty small since our apartment is...well, small. We have no front yard and your classic Brooklyn backyard (concrete rectangle). We do, however, live near a park so s/he would have space to roam around once in a while. Neither Pru nor I have ever really had a little dog before. We both grew up with medium-large (retriever/spaniel types) or medium-small (pomeranian, sheltie) dogs. I think we might be able to get away with a medium-small dog, but we may need to go with something smaller like a Yorkie or Bichon Frise.
With that being said, we also want to adopt our dog and we don't want a puppy. Puppies are great, but 1) we really don't want to potty-train the dog from scratch; and 2) young adult/adult dogs are just as awesomely cute and lovable, but sometimes harder to place. We'd prefer certain breeds of dogs (based on temperament, noise, size, grooming, etc) but we are by no means set on a thoroughbred. For now, we're still in the preliminary stages of decision-making, but I will leave you with a few adorable doggie pics because, really, who doesn't love a cute dog?
We don't have a specific breed in mind, but it needs to be pretty small since our apartment is...well, small. We have no front yard and your classic Brooklyn backyard (concrete rectangle). We do, however, live near a park so s/he would have space to roam around once in a while. Neither Pru nor I have ever really had a little dog before. We both grew up with medium-large (retriever/spaniel types) or medium-small (pomeranian, sheltie) dogs. I think we might be able to get away with a medium-small dog, but we may need to go with something smaller like a Yorkie or Bichon Frise.
With that being said, we also want to adopt our dog and we don't want a puppy. Puppies are great, but 1) we really don't want to potty-train the dog from scratch; and 2) young adult/adult dogs are just as awesomely cute and lovable, but sometimes harder to place. We'd prefer certain breeds of dogs (based on temperament, noise, size, grooming, etc) but we are by no means set on a thoroughbred. For now, we're still in the preliminary stages of decision-making, but I will leave you with a few adorable doggie pics because, really, who doesn't love a cute dog?
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