Tomorrow!

Well, technically today...in 5 minutes, my cousin is having her baby! SO EXCITED!!!

"Mak.ing Bab.ies"

I ordered the book "Mak.ing Bab.ies" for a ridiculously cheap price. It came in the mail yesterday and I started browsing it immediately. This morning I was able to skim through the rest and I'm really glad I got it! I love the East-meets-West collaboration between the two authors. It makes for a pretty well-rounded perspective. It seems to strike a nice balance between too granola or too clinical. I reviewed the section that helps you identify your "type" and I am definitely "stuck." I kinda love the fact that they divide fertility into different sections because women are not the same and it personalizes the program much more than the generic approaches I often read in other books. Several sections are not at ALL like me, so its neat that I can really zero in on what could work best for me.

So far it looks great and I'm excited to plow through the rest of it :)

Horrified

So I just finished watching "The B.usiness of Being B.orn" on Net.flix. Um, wow. First of all, it was more horrifying than any story I have EVER heard about a home or birthing center birth. Secondly, I cannot believe how shitty American labor and delivery truly is! Its no wonder we're all terrified of giving birth!

I feel betrayed. I feel lied to. I feel like the culture of childbirth has used fear and scare tactics to get us to buy into their crap for the sake of making a buck and maintaining a sense of power. Hospitals give the impression that they're better equipped to handle childbirth because they have medical degrees, fancy equipment, and operating rooms. But it would seem that if a woman has a low-risk, normal pregnancy- all that crap shouldn't even be necessary!

This documentary opened my eyes to the many ways in which doctors/nurses trap women into these completely ridiculous and unnecessary labors by using the phrase, "its the best for the baby." Such bullshit! Its maddening to see that when women ask for explanations, elaborations, or options, they are treated like stupid ignorant morons. As if they couldn't possibly know what is best for them, their body, or their babies. When the heck did that happen? How did we get to a place where women have no say over what happens during childbirth? Seems to me like childbirth has become something that happens TO women, instead of something we are actively participating in. Women are taught not to trust their bodies and that is awful.

I am saddened by how dis-empowering Western medicine truly is. Practitioners have zero respect for the beauty and wonder of childbirth and completely underestimate a woman's ability to naturally do what her body was MADE to do. I highly doubt they had ep.idurals, pit.ocin, forceps, vacuums, etc in the early days of humanity. Yet somehow we managed to make it to the 20th century without going extinct. The movie said that in 1900, 95% of births were at home, yet in the present time- less that 1% of births are at home. What the crap?! What, exactly, has happened to make hospital births such a necessity?

This really hit home for me because my cousin is having a scheduled c-section in a month. Why is this happening? Because her first child ended up needing to be delivered by c-section. Not sure how that makes sense, but it makes my cousin feel more safe and comfortable to do it that way so I don't question her about it. And ultimately, her daughter only ended up being delivered that way because of exactly what they describe in the film: the labor was long, too long for the hospital's convenience. They gave her an epi.dural and pit.ocin but the epidural slowed labor so they added more pit.ocin. The long, strong contractions brought on by pitocin led to distress in the baby and soon she was in the OR. Its also worth noting that the hospital didn't monitor who came in and out of her room. So her mother-in-law (who treats her like CRAP and my cousin HATES) trapsed in with her son and a random co-worker and started nosing around. Meanwhile, my cousin is in labor and things aren't going well so she's already stressed out. Add the stress of people coming in and out as they please (while she's basically naked) and it just got crazy. It horrifies me that my dear cousin is electing to have what is ultimately major surgery, all because she's afraid her body won't work fast enough for the local maternity ward.

Everyone should watch this movie.

Perspective

I received an awesome, well though-out comment from blogland friends over at Dos Baby Mamas that really had me pondering the way I'm viewing my current situation (thank you!).  Though I still recognize the validity of my frustration and loneliness, I realize that there are other perspectives to be considering as well. For example, the obvious luxuries of being childless.

Its true Pru works crazy hours now, but the short time we spend together is JUST us. I have her (mostly) undivided attention. She does homework and stuff for work, but I'm generally with her in the same room, reading or watching tv. Although we're not interacting constantly, we're still spending time together. We also have our new pup, but he's relatively low maintenance and for the most part his schedule revolves around us, not vice versa. Not to mention the fact that we can just leave him home alone when we need to run errands. With a baby? Yeah, notsomuch.

I also get to do pretty much as I please during the day. Yeah being unemployed SUCKS, but its also a golden opportunity that not many people get. If I want to sleep in, nap, or be gone all day- its my choice. If I just feel like sitting on my butt catching up on the DVR, no problem. If I want to go out for a run, I am free to go. If I want to cover the entire kitchen table with craft supplies and focus on a project all day, I really just need to put dog food down in the morning and make sure to walk Ringo twice a day. He does not require my undivided attention by any means. A baby would most definitely need me to be focused on him/her all day!

In her comment, A (or K?) mentioned travel as well. This is a very important factor for us. Pru and I LOVE to travel. So far we've only been on long weekend trips, but we have big plans to travel both in and out of the U.S. Having a baby in tow would drastically change the way we do that (if not making it completely impossible!). And even for short, impromptu trips- a baby would make things pretty difficult. When we recently traveled to my hometown for the funeral, we took Ringo along. It was quite a pain to make sure we had all our things plus the surprising amount of crap a dog needs for a 7 hour car ride and 3 nights in a strange place. Then there's the fact that I normally just do whatever and go wherever I want when I'm back home. If my Mom and sister want to go shopping allllll day? Sure! I'm in. With Ringo? Well, no. He simply cannot stay in his crate all day. I love him, but on that weekend I seriously wanted to scream!

I could go on and on (and on...) about this. But my point has been made. There are lots of things I can be grateful and happy about right now. I'm only 27 and I've got time to do all the things I want to. And I know that what I don't want to do is be the person that spends their whole life waiting for the next step.

Once I have a kid its entirely possible I will look back on my ranting and whining and think, "Oh, if only I could go back to those days....." So I am making a promise to myself right now to put more effort into appreciating the present: to be grateful for all I have, including the luxury of being egocentric. My world revolves around me, Pru, and a low-maintenance canine. And in the big picture- thats a pretty good deal!

Stuck

So I've been kinda ranting about feeling lonely...and how, exactly, does this relate to a pre-TTC blog?

Well, if I can't figure out the next step, how will I ever get to three steps away and have children? As much as I'd love to just jump into it and start having babies immediately, it would be completely irresponsible and selfish to do that before I have a career again. Sure, Pru makes good money now, but I don't want to be dependent upon her income forever. I've supported myself since I was 17 years old and the idea of being dependent on someone else is infuriating. And beyond that- I need my own thing...my own sense of contribution. I know being a parent in itself will be rewarding, but I also think utilizing your family as the sole source of validation can be tricky. My own Mother was a stay-at-home (and still is, due to recent events) and as great as that was for the sake of raising us, I often felt like the boundaries were blurred and she relied on us too much for her sense of self. I think she lived vicariously through us because she didn't have enough of her own life to focus on. We essentially were her life. I don't want that for myself, Pru, or my future children.

I know I don't need to be "perfect" before having kids, but I also have a standard for myself that I consider a reasonable launching point to begin a family. And until I figure out what to do next, I feel like I won't be able to get any closer to that point, which is extremely frustrating. It essentially makes me feel like I am completely stuck at this strange mid-career-change purgatory. I know it won't last forever, but for now- I think I just need to acknowledge where I'm at and write it all down so I can gain some perspective and maybe that will help me decide where to go from here.

Lonely, Part 2

I wish there was some magical solution. I spend a lot of time trying to come up with the right mixture of activities and time spent out versus at home alone and I'm beginning to realize that no amount of social interaction will dissipate the loneliness. It runs much deeper than just being alone. I think what I miss the most about Prudence being unemployed is that she was around and she understands me. She can relate because we're in this life together and often when I'm with "real-life" friends, I feel like I am from another planet or something because I truly struggle to relate and connect.

We've been trying to come up with a schedule that allows us time together. I've been getting up super early so we can have coffee and breakfast together before she leaves. If she's not doing homework on her lunch break, we generally have a short text conversation just to check in and say hi. And since we used to run together every morning, we've switched that to when she gets home. I really enjoy that half hour because we are together and it gives me a little break from the dog (whom I spend all day with). The only crappy part is that by the time she gets home around 6:15pm, its already pretty dark out (and daylight savings hasn't even changed yet!) so its a little dangerous to run in the park. We are currently in the process of figuring out how to make that work- probably by switching to the city block that goes around the park. It doesn't have the same quiet and "isolated" feeling, but its well lit and probably much safer because of it. Either way, it feels good to know we're trying to make this work.

Thankfully, Pru recognizes that from my perspective, I'm watching her life happen exactly as she imagined it while impatiently waiting to go back to school next semester. I'm changing careers right now and my life feels totally all over the place. I have a general sense of direction, but its riddled with insecurity and fear. My last job was...traumatic. It completely derailed my life and led me to question all I knew about myself and where I wanted to go with my life. In retrospect, it was a blessing and I'll be eternally grateful that things unfolded the way they did. But the damage has been done and for now, I'm frantically trying to figure out what the next step is.

Lonely

Prudence has finished her first week as a contributing member of society. She really loves her new job and that makes me so very happy. Her Boss and Big Boss think highly of her already and she feels very comfortable at the office. Her nerves have finally calmed down and after five days I think we're getting somewhat close to what one may call a routine. We have a sweet income again and she finally feels like she's back on track. Its everything we wanted! But it also kinda sucks...

I miss her. As desperate as she's been to find a job and despite the fact that it took her a year to find an ideal job, I'm kinda bummed about it. We've been totally spoiled by her unemployment because it gave us so much more time together. Now she's up at the crack of dawn and gets home after 6pm. And since she has class all day on Sunday, this happens six days a week.

I feel so lonely.
At least I have my newly adopted neurotic canine. Oh, and Netflix.

Introducing Ringo

As previously mentioned, Pru and I found a furry child to adopt. We went to a nearby shelter hoping for the best, but when we first got there it didn't look too hopeful. It was crowded, chaotic, and rather difficult to navigate. We weren't sure if we had to check-in or what so we kinda just stood there until we realized that you literally just walk around looking at the pets until you see one you like, then you ask an employee to take the animal out and play with it. Simple enough.

There were lots of super adorable dogs there, but most of the ones we liked were puppies that would grow up to be 60+ lbs. Um, not for this tiny apartment! We did end up spotting an adorable little guy but when we asked to see him, the chick said he had kennel cough and couldn't be adopted until seen by the vet.  Lame.

So we did another lap of the place and came back to this sad looking two-year old cocker spaniel. He was clearly overstimulated to the point of shutting down- he barely responded to any stimuli whatsoever. His hair was matted, greasy, and it honestly made him look like a dirty old man. They told us he had been recently returned due to food guarding issues, and those weren't even his initial owners. We have no idea how this lil old man started off, but I'd bet he's a mill dog or had been on the street for a while. He also had a double ear infection, which was not surprising considering how dirty and matted his ears were. Sad, really.

Be that as it may...we brought him home anyway! We immediately renamed him Ringo (more Beatles theme, of course), took him to the groomer to shave him down (VAST improvement), hit up the vet for the ear infections, bought a bunch of crap from Petco, and  registered for basic obedience classes, which start this weekend! Its been a rough 20 days but everyday that passes gets better. He starts to loosen up and trust us more and we do the same. There are definitely moments where I wonder what the heck we got ourselves into, but then he'll give us his adorable droopy sad face and we can't help but love him.

Here's a pic of him at my parents house, apparently tired from surfing the internet all afternoon :)

Life Update

Well, we unfortunately had a death in the family last week.  It wasn't unexpected (she'd been battling cancer for over a year) but still very sad.  She was my "Aunt" (i.e. Mom's bff who was basically family) and her young daughter is now my actual family, since my parents took custody of her.

I am admittedly relieved that she finally passed.  My Mother was her full-time caretaker (she was single and all her family lives down south) and the last several months have NOT been pleasant for our family. My parents marriage was shaky and the tension in their house was crazy. My siblings and I (and probably my Dad) had grown increasingly resentful towards her and the fact that my Mom's entire life revolved around her. Hours upon hours of driving to doctor's appointments, waiting for them, going to them, driving home, picking up prescriptions, tending to symptoms, running errands, etc etc. On top of that, my parents were taking care of her child simultaneously.  It was a lot to take on, even for the most Christian of hearts.  But the reality is that when my parents signed on to this (last year) the docs gave my Aunt three months max to live.  She lived nine months longer and that might sound like a miracle (which, ultimately, it is) but with that also came a lot of heartache, anger, bitterness, resentment, and frustration. It had gotten to the point where the mere mention of her name made me cringe.

I feel bad.  But not because I not-so-secretly wished she'd just pass already. And not because I was jealous and angry that she was pulling my Mom away from the rest of us. Because thats how I truly felt and I am not ashamed of those feelings.  But I am sad for circumstances that led up to those feelings.  I'm sad that she died young and left a child behind. Cancer is a bitch.

This was the 5th death in our family within the last 13 months. I've lost a cousin (H1N1) and Grandmother (heart failure), both of whom I was extremely close to.  I also lost a second-cousin my Mom's age (sudden heart attack), a Great-Uncle (general old age), and now my Aunt (cancer). Its been wild and my emotions are all over the place.  I generally don't consider myself one to struggle with mortality, but when death stalks you like this, its hard to overlook.  It isn't necessarily death that scares me as much as how incredibly vulnerable we are to it.  There's no choice. Death comes when it wants to.

But I digress away from my existential crisis....

In better news- we found a dog! More information on that next post :)

A Different Type of 'Baby'

I know I'm not currently trying-to-conceive (sadly). In the meantime, however, I would still very much like to put my maternal instincts to good use. Since human babies are out of the question for now, I've decided it is time for furry children. I had a dog my entire life (well, since I was 4, but who remembers before 4 anyway?) until college.  Naturally, ResLife is not too keen on the idea of canines roaming around their dorms, and our two previous landlords shared that sentiment, so for the last decade(ish) I have been pet-less. Fortunately, our current living situation allows for (small) dogs so we've decided its time to search for that perfect pup.

We don't have a specific breed in mind, but it needs to be pretty small since our apartment is...well, small. We have no front yard and your classic Brooklyn backyard (concrete rectangle).  We do, however, live near a park so s/he would have space to roam around once in a while. Neither Pru nor I have ever really had a little dog before. We both grew up with medium-large (retriever/spaniel types) or medium-small (pomeranian, sheltie) dogs. I think we might be able to get away with a medium-small dog, but we may need to go with something smaller like a Yorkie or Bichon Frise.

With that being said, we also want to adopt our dog and we don't want a puppy.  Puppies are great, but 1) we really don't want to potty-train the dog from scratch; and 2) young adult/adult dogs are just as awesomely cute and lovable, but sometimes harder to place.  We'd prefer certain breeds of dogs (based on temperament, noise, size, grooming, etc) but we are by no means set on a thoroughbred. For now, we're still in the preliminary stages of decision-making, but I will leave you with a few adorable doggie pics because, really, who doesn't love a cute dog?

   

She Got The Job!

Her second interview went very well- possibly even better than the first. She really impressed Big Boss and had a good feeling about the whole process, so I was fairly certain she'd be offered the position. Low and behold, Pru gets a call at 10am this morning and what is it? An offer for the job (which of course she accepted)! Woohoo! This is such great news for a myriad of reasons, but most notably for me- it is indicative of the fact that we are truly moving forward. We've been in this lame rut for a while now and it seemed like marriage and kids was another lifetime away. But in the last couple months, we've both made leaps and bounds and it feels like the ball has really started rolling again. Things are starting to come together beautifully and overall we just feel so much more hopeful that our goals are attainable and not so out of reach anymore.

To be honest, it will be a rough adjustment to have Prudence gone all the time. She'll be working 35 hours a week + commuting to Rockefeller Center (so add 10 hours of travel per week). Then she starts a new class later in the month which is all day Sunday in downtown Manhattan, so thats another full day out of the house.  And then there's her other night class. So all in all, she'll be gone for about 60-65 hours a week. This a huge leap from the unemployed life she was living, where I saw her pretty much all the time. I know this is not outside the realm of what normal people do all the time, but I've been admittedly spoiled and so this feels really shitty. It doesn't overshadow my excitement and pride for Pru, but I will definitely miss spending so much time with her.

I suppose this just means I will have more time to obsessively read about fertility, pregnancy, labor, and raising kids. Guess I'd better make another trip to Barnes & Noble :)

Update!

Pru's BlackBerry just beeped at her and upon checking it, she exclaimed "Aw, yay!"...meaning that she received an e-mail from the Big Boss offering a second interview!!! Wow, that was super fast! Her interview will be Thursday or Friday which means the process is moving a lot faster than expected and we should know even sooner whether she'll get the job.  Hurray!!

Interview Success

So Pru's interview went very well- yay! We both took the train into Manhattan and I walked her over to Rockefeller Center about 15 minutes before her interview. She loved the office- its very fancy pants. I felt like a schmuck walking through the concourse with Pru next to me, dressed to the nines in her power pumps and skirt-suit, but I wanted to provide moral support. And I also wanted to do some browsing on Fifth Ave :)

I guess the interviewer really loved Pru and thought she was a great match for the job. There are two more applicants left to interview and then they'll start the second round of interviews with the Big Boss next week. I'm absolutely positive Prudence make it to the second round. I think she has a really good chance of being offered this job because her background doesn't just "qualify" her- she is literally perfect for this position. After her interview, she said that this was exactly the job she wants; that if she could create the ideal job for herself, it would be this one. Plus as an added bonus- while making small talk, the interviewer slid in that this particular company has been really focusing on "diversifying" the workplace in order to reflect their overall clientèle better. This will most likely work in her favor since she's Asian. She said when she glanced around the office she only spotted white people, white Jews, and black people. Looks like they could use a little yellow up in there, haha!

We're both feeling very hopeful about this job. We should find out  by the end of the week if she will have a second interview and then its just a matter of seeing if the Big Boss loves Pru as much as this woman did (which, of course, she will!).

Job Interview!

Prudence has a job interview tomorrow. Ah! Exciting! She's in grad school now, but her classes are evenings and Sundays, so she decided she'd be more than able to take on a full-time job. She's been sending in resumes for....forever, it seems, and FINALLY got a legit call! Its for a program director position at an organization based in Manhattan (50th and Broadway-ish) so she'd have to commute, but doesn't everyone around here? Seriously? Her last job was also in Midtown and it sucked because of the commute, but she had crazy hours and sometimes would be on the train super-late which made me hella nervous (anyone remember the Easter shootings?? yeah, she was a block away). But this is a great opportunity and a job she is perfect for! We've been struggling a little in the way of money lately and were pretty worried about the upcoming holiday season, so getting this job would really help us out a LOT.

Fingers crossed, but you've got this in the bag, babe!

(Lesbian) Perfection Not Required

I recently found this article in my Google Reader and it really hit home.  At first I thought it was about having a baby later in life since its titled "Don't Wait Too Long" but really- it examines why we don't need to be perfect before we begin TTC.

Reading this was very enlightening because I often feel as though I need to meet certain standards before we can start attempting to have a kid; as if I don't deserve a family unless the stars have perfectly aligned. When I envision our TTC journey, I always imagine being married and having the perfect job, perfect house, perfect car, perfect insurance coverage, etc etc. I suppose I always figured everything else would need to be "in order" beforehand, or else I'd be a bad parent.

Interestingly enough, this morning as I was reading my newly purchased (on half.com for $0.88. Score.) copy of The Essential Guide to Lesbian Conception, Pregnancy, and Birth- I noticed that the author delves right into this topic, elaborating on how it specifically applies to the lesbian community:
"Due to cultural homophobia, internalized homophobia, and the lack of easy access to sperm, women without male partners have to claim their right and renew their commitment to have children at each step toward getting pregnant...Often lesbians feel they must be perfect before they parent, not only to provide the best for their children, but also to prove to everyone who may wonder whether lesbians...can be excellent mothers. This self-expectation of being 200% perfect can reveal itself in various forms."

I've dealt with my share of internalized homophobia and am pretty aware of how it affects my life overall. I also know it plays a role in the whole TTC process, but I figured it was just because of how much it complicates the actual process of having babies and the ensuing legal crap. I suppose I really hadn't considered how much said homophobia has influenced my idea of what it means to be "ready" to start a family. But after reading both the aforementioned article and book, I'm beginning to understand that I might be setting the bar a little too high. I realized that I truly do have this underlying need to prove that just because I'm a lesbian and don't have a husband to give sperm whenever I want it, that doesn't mean I am any less deserving or capable of having children and being a good parent.

Now that I am equipped with this new knowledge, I already feel less pressure and anxiety about starting a family. Perhaps I don't need to be perfect afterall.

Thermometer Question

I'm a little confused- are you supposed to chart to the 10th (97.2) or 100th (97.24) degree? I found a thermometer online that had good reviews, but it only charts to the 10th and I remember reading (online? in a book? eh, somewhere) that BBT charting needs to be to the 100th degree.

Anyone know which is correct? What do/did y'all use?

New Lesbian Pregnancy Blog Launch

I don't know if anyone else has stopped by Lesbian Lifestyle recently, but according  to this post they are preparing a new blog specifically addressing lesbian pregnancies. Its set to launch next month and they're currently looking for lesbians and lesbian couples to send in their stories to share. I don't know how it will all turn out in the end, but I think the concept is great! The online community is a powerful one and anything that makes it easier for us to find each other is awesome. I will definitely be on the lookout for the launch!

Reflection: Article on Gestational Environments

Yesterday morning I received my weekly T.IME magazine and right on the cover is a (beautiful) picture of a very naked, very pregnant woman. Naturally, I was intrigued and immediately flipped to the story. Its a pretty good article centered around the field of fetal origins- which asserts that the first nine months of gestation and the conditions we experience in-utero contribute to the most consequential period in our lives. Basically the whole idea is that everything the mother encounters while pregnant (the air she breathes, what she eats/drinks, the chemicals she's exposed to, her emotions) sends information (which they refer to as "bio.logical postcards") from the world outside the womb- letting the fetus prepare for what is to come once they are born.

Overall, this is not shocking news.  And if I know my readers at all, I know most (if not ALL) of you have done tons of research on how to provide the best fetal environment possible. But unfortunately, I think that is the exception rather than the rule as far as expectant mothers are concerned. I bet we all know some straight women who "accidentally" got pregnant, right? How many of those women do you honestly think were already taking pre-natal vitamins, altering their nutritional intake, exercising, and limiting/ceasing exposure to things like smoking, drinking, etc? Yeah, probably not many. Just saying.

The article focuses on the big health issues- cancer, heart disease, obesity, diabetes, and mental illness (specifically schizophrenia and depression). What I found interesting was how pre-natal behaviors can affect fetal genetics. We all know we're genetically predisposed to certain things that "run in the family" and for the most part, we accept that as our doomed fate. What this article proposes, however, is that "fate" may not be as final as we thought. Their research suggests that by altering the fetal environment (through a process known as epi.genetic modification), women can influence their babies genetics.  Pretty intriguing information for those of us who get half our kids DNA from a donor, eh?

For example, obese women who got pregnant post-weight loss surgery gave birth to children that had faster metabolisms than their siblings conceived pre-surgery, when their mothers were still obese. This goes beyond your basic nature/nurture school of thought and suggest that the intrauterine environment is a "third pathway" by which we are shaped. There was a similar study done on the Pima Indians (who experience a grossly disproportionate incidence of diabetes among their population) in which scientists recognize that by severely controlling the mother's sugar levels during pregnancy, they could greatly reduce the risk of passing along the disease to their children. Additionally, there were two studies done which linked starvation and high-stress levels during pregnancy to the development of schizophrenia and depression.

The article goes on to say that if given this information, women may be more likely to take pre-natal behavior seriously because they wouldn't feel so helpless to genetics. I agree with that as much as I don't. I think education is always a powerful factor in creating change, but I also think women tend to be egocentric and self-entitled when they're pregnant, believing that their own comfort level and autonomy should take precedence over how their behavior affects a developing fetus.

For me, however, I will do anything and everything possible to ensure that my future child is given the best start to life. I don't want to spend all nine months (and the time spent ttc) worrying about every little thing I encounter, but I do believe there are many basic, important changes a woman can make to create a safe and healthy fetal environment. For someone with DNA riddled with heart disease, diabetes, & mental illness, and a partner who's adopted and thus unaware of their hereditary, I am thrilled to learn that my child is not helpless to these diseases just because of their genes.


(source: Oct 4, 2010 T.IME Magazine)

Fear of: Multiples.

As mentioned earlier, I adore the Gosselin children. They really are adorable, but to be honest- the thought of having eight kids is nothing short of terrifying, especially having six at once. Insanity.

So all this adoration of other-people's-kids got me thinking about multiples. Prudence and I will more likely than not be jumping right onto the IVF wagon since we really want to use her eggs and my uterus. She's not too keen on the idea of being preggo (whereas I really want to get knocked up) and we agree it would be incredible for our children to have both our genes. So if all goes well, our future children will be conceived in a petri dish with my brother's sperm and Pru's eggs. And while that sounds fun and fancy (and admittedly, kinda weird) written down, I know it will be a bumpy and complicated process. I also know that IVF has a much higher rate of multiples. Enter mild (and premature) panic attack.

When discussing the possibilities of multiples, Pru said very calmly, "I bet we'll have triplets." Umm, what? I asked her to elaborate and she just replied, "I dunno....its just a feeling I have- that when we get pregnant, we'll have triplets." I don't know how accurate her instincts are, but thats a scary thought. I'd love three kids. But not at once. Twins, maybe. But triplets? That sounds dangerous. I already have an overload of pregnancy anxiety, I can't even imagine how that would skyrocket with the discovery of multiples floating around in there.

From what I understand about recent developments in IVF, doctors are beginning to veer away from the idea of transferring a lot of embryos, specifically in women under 35 (like me). I've also read about minimal stimulation IVF (or just Mini-IVF) which requires less drugs (and sometimes none if you go the "natural" route) and decreases the risk of multiples. Apparently its more along the lines of natural ovulation, where they start by giving you a C.lomid pill to take for about a week (they don't suppress the pituitary beforehand with Lup.ron like normal IVF)  followed by a "booster" of gonado.tropin and then they retrieve a few high-quality eggs. And as an added bonus, its also several thousand dollars cheaper.

The pros are obvious: less drugs, money, and risk. The cons are also pretty obvious: its newer, so the success rate is probably still not clear; plus you run into the issue of not having extra embryos if it doesn't work. In the long run, it could potentially cost more to do the "cheaper" ivf.  On the other hand, if you don't have any problems with ovulating or getting those embryos to stick, you might hit the baby jackpot right away and be $10,000 richer for it.  Hmmm.... what a conundrum.

Also Known As...

Upon discovering the wonderful world of lesbian TTC/family blogs, I immediately decided that we needed one.  The support is amazing and I am the type who really benefits from writing stuff down.  I mentioned this idea to my partner and she thought it was a great idea- thus "Project Buddha Baby" was created.  We already have another blog tracking the daily adventures of our life, but its available to family and friends so we use our real names.  However, we don't want people to stumble upon this blog while google-ing and suddenly discover all our deepest TTC secrets.  Awkward.  Eventually we will probably share this or start another baby blog for "real-life" friends, but until then- we've decided to use aliases.  After a short brainstorming session, we voted upon a Beatles' theme.  So for the duration of our anonymity, we will be happily known as "Lucy" (myself, the main blogger, and owner of future womb of Buddha baby) and "Prudence" (my partner, co-blogger, and othermother of said baby...which btw is also a nod to her asian-ness, from the movie "Across the Universe").

All You Need is Love.

Letter From the President

I just read this post about sending birth announcements to the President. Apparently, if you do- they send back a cute little letter like this one here and here.. what a great idea!  We will definitely have to keep that idea in the back of our heads for the future.  Well...if the President is still a Democrat, anyway :)

Maybe Kate can spare one?

The Gosselin children are adorable.  Like, I can't even stand how cute they are!  I've followed the show on and off for a few years now (mostly because they're a interracial white/asian couple like us!), but just began watching older seasons via Netflix.  I totally admire Kate for all she does- I mean, it was crazy enough with the twins and sextuplets, but when you add on all the marriage drama and media storm...it gets even crazier.  Watching older episodes is making me realize that Jon & Kate weren't all that compatible to begin with, really.  Their personalities are totally opposite and while that can sometimes work out to be complementary- in their case, I think its mostly just clashing.  But I digress...

Prudence and I were watching season 2 the other day and we both constantly exclaimed how awesomely cute this little kids are. They are obviously part Asian, but we weren't sure which nationality.  I heard through some (misinformed) grapevine that Jon was half-Pacific Islander.  Um, fail.  About 5 minutes after I tell Pru this, Jon proceeds to talk about how he is in fact half-Korean.  What?!  Awesome!  So here we are, falling over ourselves over these cutie pie kids and it turns out they're quarter-Korean!  It honestly made me love them all that much more!  I cannnot wait to have my own (though mine will be halfiies) part-asian kids!  In fact, maybe Kate can spare one... :)

Here's a pic of the ridiculously cute sextuplets from this season:

And here's all of the kids from a while back:

Prepping the Body for Baby

I always knew that I wanted to have children. For many years I also assumed it would be something to happen just because I wanted it to. I was understandably naive to the troubles and drama of TTC. Within the last year, as my uterus started aching for babies, I began doing preliminary "research" on fertility, pregnancy, childbirth, and parenting (including following other lesbian TTC/family blogs- which are SO helpful its insane). Upon reading said literature, I realized that just having a kiddo by sheer force of will was impossible. I also realized that just having a kiddo on the first try was not likely. This was admittedly disappointing...

However, it also opened my eyes to the importance of preparing for a baby- not just emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and (of course) financially- but also physically. I've been chubby for the past decade and let's face it- college is not exactly a model of healthy living. Though I don't drink/smoke/etc anymore, I realize that those habits aren't the only ones worth breaking. Its a much more holistic picture that I need to be looking at- quite literally, head-to-toe. So I sat down and really started pondering the best way to approach a new, healthier life.

In February I joined Weight Watchers online and have since lost 60-ish pounds and several dress sizes (yay!). Starting in June, Prudence and I also began a training program called "Couch to 5k" and completed our first 5k race just this past Sunday (also, yay!). My life has reached a turning point and I know there's no turning back. At this point we're training for a 10k and my clothes just keep getting baggier. The way we eat is drastically different. For about 2 years now, we've been trying to "eat healthier" but we honestly had no idea what that meant. Through WW and a LOT of reading, reading, reading....I was able to really get a sense of what should be going in my body.

With that being said, my goal is to spend the next 2 years doing everything I can to create the healthiest body possible before trying to get preggo. I realize that won't guarantee instant success, full-term babies, easy pregnancy, seamless labors, or even a healthy babe...but I will feel much more at ease knowing I spent my time before, during, and after this experience actively taking care of my body.

Baby Names

Considering the fact that we are VERY far away from TTC, I probably don't need to be bothering myself with baby names.  But I can't help it!  So I decided to start making lists.  Here are some names I really like, grouped by gender, and in alphabetical order:

GIRLS:
Daniela, Hannah, Helena, Julia, Katie, Lauren, Lena, Lucy, Norah, Raina, Shannon, Sydney, Taryn, Tegan

NEUTRAL:
Avery, Dakota, Hadley, Hayden, Kennedy, Logan, Payson, Reese, Regan, Riley, Spencer

BOYS:
Aaron, Adam, Aiden, Brady, Caleb, Collin, Connor, Donovan, Gavin, Jacob, Keiran, Lachlan, Landon, Logan, Lucas, Noah

2013

I had originally mentioned beginning TTC in 2014.  I think that may no longer be the case.  Pru is pretty certain she'll be done with graduate school by 2012 and we want to get married in the fall of that year as well.  Since my last blog post, we've talked a LOT more about starting a family and it would seem both of us are in favor of starting sooner, rather than later.  So hopefully we're looking at a 2013 start to our 'project'!  Its only a year difference, but thats a heck of a lot of time for my biological clock! The plan is still the same as far as IVF and we know money will be...an issue.  But we also figure there's ultimately no price too high to pay for a family, right? This is very exciting news, indeed.

Tick Tock

I really want children. Like, REALLY want them.

I suppose my biological clock is ticking away, and has been for a few months now. Prudence seems a lot less into this than I am right now.  I guess that makes sense since she's 3 years younger than I am.  At 24, my womb wasn't exactly calling out to me either yet.  Plus she's really focused on grad school right now, which takes up a lot of her time and energy.  I, however, have virtually nothing to do.  I just sit at home all day and daydream about the future.  I do that because its all I have!  The present is painfully uneventful and a constant reminder of how completely lame my life is right now.  Deep down I know that this slump is temporary, but that doesn't stop me from feeling hopeless from time to time.  Everything that I want- career, house,  SUV, dogs, children, picket fence- seems way too far away.

Realistically, its probably a few years away. Pru started graduate school and she'll finish within 1-1.5 years.  I'm hoping to start a Program in Exercise Science NEXT fall, which would take me about the same amount of time.  That would put us completely done with school by the end of 2012 (barring any apocalyptic tragedies), meaning we could probably land some jobs in the 'Burbs and be ready to make babies by 2014.

3.5 years.

Yikes, that seems SO far away!!!!!!!!

Project Buddha Baby

This is a blog that I'm starting in (very) early anticipation of starting a family with my partner, Prudence.  She's 100% Korean and had these adorable chubby cheeks as a child, which earned her the nickname "Buddha Baby."  We want half-Korean kiddos, so we're hoping to eventually get our very own chubby-cheeked "Buddha Babies"!!!

Perhaps it seems insensitive and a little strange to refer to this journey as a "project" but seeing how we're lesbians who want to have assisted IVF (her egg, my bro's sperm, my uterus) I can't imagine it being anything less than a project!

Here's to a fun, exciting, overwhelming, and (hopefully) short journey to Mommyhood!

(and here's the perfect onesie for our future children:)